Life postpartum for me has been, in a word,
overwhelming. I know that description is probably
underwhelming--adjusting to a new baby is overwhelming for everyone, right? But it has seemed more so than usual for me--these last almost-seven weeks have seen me feeling completely overwhelmed and broken, with a whole lot of tears.
Part of it is hormones, to be sure. But part of it is also coming face to face with the sin in my heart. I knew God would use motherhood to refine me, and I wanted Him to do so--but I also feared it, because I knew the process would be painful. It's never fun to be confronted with your own ugliness. And there's been plenty of confronting these last several weeks, let me tell you. In some ways motherhood has brought out the worst in me. Compounding matters is the simple fact that I have sown laziness and selfishness for the last two years, and God's Word promises that
you reap what you sow--so now I am reaping the consequences of my choices as old habits die hard.
Yet I serve a faithful God, one who is endlessly patient with me and, in His incredible grace,
does not treat me as my sins deserve. And time after time, He has provided the encouragement and comfort I need, often using many of you as vessels of His grace and love.
Last Thursday and Friday were, I believe, rock-bottom. I sat at the dining room table on Friday morning holding Elijah and weeping, telling him he deserved a better mama than he got. Our church's women's retreat was scheduled for Friday and Saturday, and part of me didn't even want to go. But Friday afternoon with Elijah went better, and so we went (all the ladies from church were so glad to finally be able to pass him around). Of course it was exactly what I needed. Amazingly, both the format and the date were completely different this year than in the past--and though I'm not so arrogant as to believe it all revolves around me, I am thankful that it was when and what it was this year, because it was absolutely what I needed, just when I needed it most.
On Saturday morning, the woman who was leading our discussion group on Proverbs 31 concluded by affirming each of us, saying that although none of us had raised our hands at the beginning claiming that we were a "strong Proverbs 31 woman," we each were, in our own ways. She said some really encouraging things to me that made me realize: I've come a long way, and God's not finished with me yet.
When I look at my sin, it can be so discouraging. I see where I am and where I want to be, and there's such a chasm between the two that I start to despair. At times like that I need to be reminded to turn around and look backwards. I'm not where I want to be--but I'm not where I started, either. When I stop and think about the person I was ten years ago, as a brand-new baby Christian...oh wow. God has brought me so far from that place and taught me so much in that decade. And so I remember that just as He loved me and patiently led me then, so will He continue to gently, compassionately, faithfully
complete the good work He began in me.
And I need to look back even further--to the cross. When my sin is overwhelmingly ugly and I am tempted to despair, I can take heart that God's love for me and acceptance of me as His daughter is not dependent on my performance. It was bought for me once and forever, by the blood of His Son.
I went crazy with my camera this week--need to learn how to use more of its features, and I have a fun subject to practice with now :) Elijah and I had a big photo shoot yesterday. I practiced implementing advice from Nick Kelsh, author of How to Photograph Your Baby (a great, non-technical "improve your amateur photography" book). He suggests three basic ways to make your photos better:
(For those of you who think he looks like Steve...I wish you were right, but I sure don't see it. These super-closeup photos look SO much like my baby pictures. I'll try to post some of those sometime next week.)
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