Fresh Starts and New Beginnings

Hey, so. If GoDaddy is going to keep billing me for this domain name, I should maybe use it, huh?

I don't really know what happened to this space. Well, I mean, I sort of do.

 

I spent nine months devoting most of my energy (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) to carrying her in a 35-year-old body that does NOT do pregnancy well.

 

And then I've spent the last five months figuring out how to settle back into a season of life I've not seen in a long, long time.

 

My days are once again full of nursing and diapers, tummy time and babywearing, walks with a stroller and troubleshooting fussing and trying to catch a quick nap. Only this time around, they're also filled with listening to a beginning reader, signing math homework, driving to piano lessons and soccer practice. It's hard to find time or space to think my own thoughts, much less write them down. Especially when I'm desperately rusty, having all but forgotten how.

Today I have a babysitter. Three whole hours of a friend's homeschooled teenage daughter entertaining my baby so I can do whatever I want. Ha. Of course "whatever I want" looks like being paralyzed with anxiety about how best to use the three hours, knowing the time will fly by. It looks like fighting rejected insurance claims, calling orthodontists, attempting to summit Mount Laundry, and stressing about whether I'm going to end up paying the babysitter to be here while Miriam sleeps.

But, at least today, it also looks like sitting down to a blank screen and a blinking cursor and trying to remember how to do this writing thing. Let's be honest: this blog was dying a long, slow death for quite some time before Miss Miriam arrived on the scene. And yet, as a much-beloved writing professor reminded me years ago: "Thankfully, we are people of the resurrection!"

Just yesterday I came across this incredibly timely and encouraging post by Rebecca Reynolds at Thistle and Toad. She concludes:

...Now and then I can write an encouraging post for five people--or I can write a post for one person who is struggling.

I can wait to post until I have something important to say.

I can let the gospel apply small. I can let God be God and trust Him to place my labors in the context that is most useful to him.

I can live small then smaller still, encouraging my readers to do the same.  

I can do all this because the gift of writing doesn't offer an identity that springs into being with a publishing contract, or with a following in the 100’s of thousands. Writing well is simply a tool to utilize in the context of an identity that was secured long ago by the work of Jesus. We have nothing to earn; we have only to wake up each morning and say, "In every small step I take, Thy will be done."

So here's to fresh starts. Here's to tiny baby steps, the smallest of efforts in the right direction. Here's to awkwardness and imperfection and muscling through the anxiety to get something, anything, on the page. Hopefully I'll be back soon.

Jude's Birth: Pain, Peace, Joy

[part 5: hard work, but not alone]

Not too long after my water broke, Cindy checked heart tones again—and Jude's heart rate was way too slow. I could tell it didn't sound right, and there was definitely a note of concern/disturbance in her voice as she called out, “90s...80s..” Normal is 120-160 beats per minute. It's typical for the heart rate to drop as the baby is squeezed through the pelvis, I found out later, but it should only drop into the 90s-110s. Jude's got down into the 70s.

Nobody freaked out--Susie especially was so calm and controlled--but she told me that he wasn't tolerating that position well and I needed to move. I shifted onto my back, but his heart rate still didn't come back up. They put an oxygen mask on me and really urged me to push harder. Looking back, it is such a miraculous sign of God's mercy that I was not panicked and fearful at that point. But I wasn't. The pain was unbearable, but I wasn't scared about whether Jude was okay--I had such peace.

It felt like I pushed forever; I don't know how long it really was. Then finally, at 11:58 AM, he was born! Susie placed him in my arms, and we waited for him to pink up. She had warned me that it sometimes takes longer with waterbirths, and it really did. He not only didn't cry; he didn't move at all. His eyes were closed and he was completely still. And I didn't really notice at the time, but looking at the pictures, he was just absolutely gray. They put an oxygen mask on him and worked to get him breathing while I held him. And again, I did not feel worried or scared—I felt such inexplicable peace.

After just a few moments he started breathing, and cried, and I just wept. I experienced that joy, that love—Thank You, Jesus! Steve held me close and rejoiced over our beautiful son, expressed how proud he was of me. Through tears, I announced that his name was Jude and briefly told why. I was just overcome by the faithfulness of God.

It was SO great to be in our own home, to curl up in our own bed...I underestimated how nice that would be. My parents didn't come until the next day, so we were on our own that first night. Steve was better than any nurse :) The way he cared for me so tenderly...having his babies makes me fall in love with him all over again.

So...that's the story of Jude's birth. If you made it this far--thanks for reading. I guess you know by now I can't tell a short story :) An amazing display of God's mercy and grace...more answers to prayer than I can count. An occasion for PRAISE, to be sure. God has been so good, so faithful to me.

the entire series:
prelude
a doula provided
waiting
finally, labor begins
hard work, but not alone
pain, peace, joy

Jude's Birth: Hard Work, But Not Alone

[part 4: finally, labor begins]

Unlike Elijah's birth, this time my contractions never were super close together--in fact, Susie was encouraging me to go for a walk to get them going more frequently. I paced through the house a bit, but mostly I just wanted to be leaning over. And though the contractions weren't coming fast, they were long, and strong. But WOW--having a break between them made all the difference in the world! I was so much more able to cope!

Then between 10:30-11, Susie told me they had another client in labor. After some discussion, it was like my body decided, “You better get serious or you're going to lose your midwife!” I said I wanted to get in the tub, NOW. And the water felt SOOOO good—I wished I had gotten in sooner! I'd been afraid to get in too early because I had heard that if you do, it could actually slow things down—and I guess since my contractions weren't super close together, I was extra cautious about stalling labor. Anyway, I leaned over the side of the tub and just LOVED how good it felt.

Then, the very first contraction I had in the water, I found myself involuntarily pushing! I think everyone was surprised when the contraction ended and I said, “Um, I'm feeling pushy. Those changes in my voice as I moaned through that contraction? That was me bearing down.”

The next thing I knew, they were telling me that the water was too hot and I needed to get out. But there was NO WAY I was getting out of that glorious water. I sort of shifted so my belly was partially out of the water, and ignored them...I couldn't stand the thought of getting out. Steve added cold water and eventually they stopped bugging me :)

I was feeling more and more pushy, and more anxious about the pain. During one contraction, Dee read the lyrics of “Begone, Unbelief”--I could hardly hear or understand her over my own groans, but still it was a comfort. And my noises were *much* more controlled this time; no screaming hysterically like I'd done the last time.

It felt best to me to be on my knees, leaning over the side of the tub. Soon my water broke, and the pain got really intense. Plus my legs kept cramping, which was so horrible! But the best part was that I never felt alone. The pain was still scary, but I felt so much more supported. I'd grip Steve's and Dee's hands. I kept needing to make eye contact with someone—usually Dee or Susie—to avoid losing it. Toward the end, Steve was praying continually, right close to my ear. His calm, low, steady voice was so comforting and helped keep me grounded.

[part 6: pain, peace, joy]

Jude's Birth: Finally, Labor Begins

[part 3: waiting]

Every time I woke up during the night of October 20-21 and was not in labor, I fretted about what was going to happen at my prenatal the next day. I was full of fear, not faith.

Then I woke up around 4:00 and felt...*different.* No contractions yet, but Jude had definitely dropped. I went to the bathroom and just knew in my gut—this was it.

My first contraction came a few minutes later. Steve and I got up around 4:45; we showered and ate, and Steve started setting up the birth pool. I'm sure it sounds like this was all premature, since I had had only two contractions and they weren't anywhere near needing to be timed...but I just had this feeling that this was the day, and I didn't know how quickly things might move. Since my midwife and doula were both an hour or more away, I was anxious for them to be here. I called them around 5:30. Then I texted and emailed several friends who had promised to pray for me during labor, and we called our parents to let them know things were starting. I know I was carried by those prayers!

My doula, Dee, arrived around 7, followed shortly by my midwife, Susie. Then I had to deal with the childcare drama a little more. Making plans for where Elijah would go during the birth (I did not want him around, for his sake and mine) had turned into a giant, crazy mess; the arrangements were literally changing daily. As many as six different people were on call to pick him up depending on when I went into labor.

When I called my friend who was up for Thursday (whom I had only just arranged the day before!), I found out that she wouldn't be able to keep him past early afternoon. So in between contractions, I was making a list of people for her to call to find someone to pass him off to! I was a little stressed and felt terrible for Elijah, but when she came around 9:00, Elijah was excited to see his friends and happily got in the car. Huge relief. Now I could really concentrate on laboring.

Dee was amazing. She knew just what to say and do to help me through a contraction. She was full of encouragement, saying I was handling it beautifully, doing everything right. And I did feel much more confident and in control this time, much more able to relax. Dee would rub my back, pray for me, read Scripture, let me lean over her shoulders...so helpful. And as skilled as she was, she didn't crowd Steve out. Once he wasn't busy with the pool, she encouraged him to jump in and helped him know what to do.

My playlist of songs about not fearing, trusting the Lord, His nearness, etc., was hugely beneficial. It gave me something to think about besides the pain, helped me preach truth to myself. At one point early on, I was laboring on an exercise ball, leaning over a pile of pillows on the bed, and as I listened to the lyrics of one of the songs, I started to weep. Dee asked what was wrong, and I said that I was just blown away by how faithless and full of fear I had been, and how merciful God was. I felt broken, repentant, amazed by His grace and kindness in spite of me.

[part 5: hard work, but not alone]

Jude's Birth: Waiting

[part 2: a doula provided]

So I had a doula. I did lots of reading about natural childbirth and worked through a wonderful book on fear. I made a playlist of songs about not being afraid, trusting the Lord, His being with me, etc. I bought birth supplies and washed diapers and folded onesies. I enlisted an army of trusted friends to pray for me in the weeks leading up to Jude's birth and while I was in labor. All that was left to do was wait.

And wait we did.

I've gotten on my soapbox before about how I hate the idea of of a "due date"--this magic day when baby is "supposed to" arrive and after which he is considered "late." With Elijah, I stubbornly refused to tell people my "exact due date." But the truth is, Elijah was born "early"--at 39 weeks, 2 days. So although we knew it wasn't a guarantee, I think Steve and I both just expected that Jude would come before his "official due date," too.

Well, 39w2d came and went, so we relaxed. I had been wanting a 10/10/10 baby anyway, and now I had a chance! But October 10 passed and I was still pregnant. Next I set my sights on the 15th, thinking it would be fun to give Steve's granny a birthday great-grandbaby. No such luck.

And then my midwife started talking induction.

You see, I had originally estimated the 40-week mark as October 18, but at my first prenatal visit, my midwife changed it to October 11. Once the 11th came and went, the clock was ticking. I was completely content to wait and let the baby come when he decided it was time. But my midwife would be unable (or at least unwilling) to attend a homebirth past 42 weeks. If we reached that point, I would have no choice but to see her backup physician, who would want to schedule a hospital induction immediately. If I wanted to avoid that, it was time to start thinking about "natural" induction methods to get things going and preserve my homebirth plans.

I was distraught. To many of you, it may not sound like a big deal. Some of you may have voluntarily chosen to be induced in a hospital. But for me, that option was terrifying, and the idea of trying less invasive induction methods wasn't much more appealing. I just did not want to mess with the process. I wanted to trust my body and the baby and let labor start naturally, without the use of drugs in a hospital *or* methods at home.

Mercifully, I was not at that point many women reach, where they're miserable beyond belief and all "get this baby OUT of me NOW." I was truly fine with waiting, except that I felt pressured by the circumstances. On top of all this, my carefully laid plans for what to do with Elijah during the birth (I did not want him here!) were crumbling. Actually it went from "crumbling" to "disintegrating" to "blowing up in my face"...I'll spare you the details but it was insane, to say the least.

By October 18 I was officially 41 weeks, though by that point I was pretty sure that the revised due date was wrong. No matter. My midwife ordered an ultrasound, and Jude passed with flying colors. We had a green light to keep waiting, but I was keenly aware of the ticking clock.

I had a prenatal appointment scheduled for Thursday the 21st, and I was so anxious about what was going to happen. I desperately wanted to avoid induction of any kind, but my October 25 deadline was looming. It was such a battle to trust God that week, to believe that He is good and loving and wise and would be no less so even if I didn't get to have the homebirth I had planned. I'm sure that sounds silly, but that was my frame of mind.

I went to bed Wednesday night fervently hoping and praying that my midwife could come deliver a baby the next day instead of coming for a prenatal visit. Talk about answered prayer...

[part 4: finally, labor begins]

Jude's Birth: A Doula Provided

[part 1: prelude]

If I had been planning a hospital birth again, I'd have hired a doula without a second thought. I wished I had had one the first time around. But initially, I thought that with a homebirth, I wouldn't need one. To make a long story a tiny bit shorter, I ended up deciding I wanted one, and thought I had the perfect candidate lined up, a doula I already knew slightly through online interactions. I was stoked. Until a few days later when it all fell through.

I tried to trust God through my disappointment, reminding myself that if He had wanted her at my birth, if that was what was best, He would have made it happen, and that if it didn't work out, that was because He had something better in mind.

How could I have known what He was up to?

The immediate problem was, how would I find a new doula? My dilemma was that I needed someone who was a Christian. I'm sure there are plenty of amazing doulas who aren't--but it was important to me to have someone who would pray with and for me, someone with whom I could process things with from a biblical perspective. I ended up going to a meet-and-greet and expressing interest in a couple of the doulas, but I still didn't know how to approach the faith issue.

A week later I was contacted by my #2 choice, Dee (#1 wasn't available for October). I explained in an email what I was hoping for in a doula, and asked whether she would be able to support me in that. And her response...wow. I mean, just wow.

She told me that she was a believer, and proceeded to share how she is thrilled to discover that a client is a Christian because she can then encourage the mom as a sister in Christ and not just as a doula. She described her sweetest births as ones where she's prayed over the moms/babies. All that was more than enough to satisfy me--it was exactly what I needed to hear.

But then. She went on to share, oddly, that she is Reformed. Said she hesitated to say so because it can be unnecessarily divisive, but in the interest of being an open book, there it was. Described the church she goes to as similar to John Piper's church. And I'm all, Seriously, Lord? Seriously?

I realize that those of you who are not Reformed are scratching your heads at this point going, either, "What's Reformed, anyway?" or "I don't get it, why is that a big deal?" whereas those of you who are Reformed are going, "Wow, that's so awesome!" :) Let me clarify that I have plenty of non-Reformed friends and don't view the Reformed ones as somehow superior. Basically she just communicated to me that she and I were very much on the same page theologically, not merely believing the same basic set of truths, but understanding Scripture the same way, reading the same books, listening to the same podcasts, and therefore interpreting life through similar lenses. And that lens is one that's in the minority among Christians, so it's not a commonality I expected to find.

I couldn't even believe she mentioned it--it was sort of odd, really, if it hadn't been so...appropriate. I emailed her back and basically said, "Isn't it just like God to provide me with this? You're hired." I mean, I could have cried. To drop a doula in my lap--my third choice, no less--who not only was genuinely a believer in Christ but was actually on the same page as me theologically?! And her response was similar--she confessed to second-guessing herself in her original disclosure, wondering why she'd shared that, and then after hearing back from me, said, "How KIND of God to match us up! This is very, very cool."

So in early September, I was reminded very powerfully that my God is a kind and loving Father who knows how to give good gifts to His children. He faithfully lavishes grace on me even when I am full of doubt and fear and fail to trust Him. He delights to blow me away by providing abundantly more than I asked or imagined.

I needed that reminder--and this doula--as I prepared for Jude's birth.

[part 3: waiting]

Jude's Birth: Prelude

The story of Jude's birth is not merely a play-by-play of all the nitty-gritty details about contractions and dilating and pushing. It's a story of the mercy of God. It's about His abundant provision of grace even in the face of fear and unbelief. It's about intercessory prayer and powerful, clear answers to those pleas. It's about a God who loves to be known as mighty and faithful, a God who bears our burdens and generously gives good gifts.

Four months later, I'm finally getting around to sharing the story. Fair warning: it is going to include lots of details, which may bore those of you who are not interested in birth stories. And it's going to be a multi-part series, because--well, because I'm writing it, and if you've been reading this blog longer than three days, you know that I can't tell a short story :) Disclaimers aside...here we go.

My story--Jude's story--starts with the birth of Elijah three years earlier. A birth that on paper was textbook, uncomplicated, everything I had hoped for. He came in about 12 hours, without any drugs, without any of the interventions I didn't want.

And it terrified me.

I had prepared for natural childbirth, and actually hadn't felt fearful in the weeks leading up to his birth. I felt ready: I can do this. I labored as long as possible at home, so by the time we got to the hospital, I was dilated 6-7 cm. And then my water broke, and instead of the regularly spaced contractions we talked about in childbirth class, my pain turned into one four-hour-long contraction. No breaks. I panicked. I've never felt so scared in my life.

After Elijah was here, I didn't experience that whole "when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish" thing. I used words like "traumatic" and "shellshocked" to describe his birth, less "love at first sight" and more "what just happened to me?" We've covered that on this blog already. But all that to say, learning last February that I was pregnant meant that I was going to have to go through labor and delivery again. And I was terrified. The first time around, I'd read all about the fear-tension-pain cycle, how you can't be scared, and I wasn't. I refused to listen to negative birth stories. I was confident. This time around, I *knew* what was coming--how on earth could I NOT be scared?

Despite my fear of enduring natural childbirth again, I ended up deciding to have a homebirth--which is another post(s) for another day. I spent the first several months in denial about the fact that I was actually going to have to deliver this baby. Then I spent the last couple of months reading book after book, from childbirth books to biblical counseling books on fear. I tried to remember that every birth is different, that this would not be simply a repeat of Elijah's birth. I knew being at home was going to be completely different. I planned a waterbirth, sometimes called "the midwives' epidural." I prayed a lot, and asked others to pray. Then, late in August, I hired a doula. That experience was my first clue that God had something beautiful in store.

[part 2: a doula provided]
[part 3: waiting]
[part 4: finally, labor begins]
[part 5: hard work, but not alone]
[part 6: pain, peace, joy]

The Naming of Jude, Part 2

[read part 1 first]

Moments after I saw two pink lines last winter, already Leah’s words were echoing in my mind: This time I will praise the LORD.

That became my prayer, my resolve, my plea for grace. Throughout my pregnancy, I prayed that God would grant me a completely different experience this time around—that birth would be a positive, healing experience; that He would protect me from postpartum depression, enable me to delight in the new baby.

But I also asked that even if it was really hard again, even if a hundred overwhelming challenges came my way, that He would give me the grace to praise Him, to hold fast to Him, to glorify His name and show His faithfulness.

Adjusting to motherhood after Elijah's birth was incredibly difficult for me. But I was so faithless, so weak and so unwilling to fight. This time I prayed that God would enable me to fight for joy, that He would put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.

On February 9, the day I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal:

I’m praying that His perfect, unfailing love will drive out all my fear. I’m praying that He’ll give me grace to trust Him, come what may. He is good, and He does good. I am securely in the palm of His hand, and He ordains only what is best. I grieve to think of my faithlessness, my unbelief, how I have dishonored Him in the past.

May it not be so this time, Lord! Make me faithful. Fill me with trust in You and use me to point people to Christ as the only source of hope.

This time, I will praise You.

[part 3]

It's a Boy!

Our newest addition is finally here!

Jude Alexander Kannel
October 21, 2010 - 11:58 a.m.
8 pounds, 12 ounces
21.5 inches long

Elijah meets his "little brudder" for the first time:

The awesome ladies who served me and my family and helped bring Jude safely into the world: my doula, Dee; my midwife, Susie; and her assistant, Cindy. These women were amazing!

And my husband was absolutely awesome as well...not to mention how well he's taking care of me and our boys(!). Seeing Steve as a daddy never fails to melt my heart. And he's an endlessly patient husband/nurse, too.

I can't wait to tell you all about Jude's name and the story of his birth. He was worth waiting for! You'll have to be patient, though, as we don't have a laptop and my priorities are snuggling/nursing my little guy and resting in bed :) Thanks so much for your prayers--God answered them so mightily!

What Lasts Forever

The middle of the night is the hardest time to believe the truth. There's something about lying in bed in the darkness, being in pain and feeling alone--my sweet husband is right there beside me, but he sleeps, and I am awake and anxious.

Thankfully God has provided much grace over the last week or so, and I have been much less fearful and much more able to preach the Truth to myself, even at 2 AM. Last night, I was awake with some painful cramping, and He met me with some blessed thoughts:

Labor will not last forever. I don't know when it will start, or how long it will last, but I do know for absolutely certain that at some glorious point, Baby will be here and it will all be over.

Obvious, I know--yet somehow reassuring. And then I started thinking: "Labor and delivery will not last forever; they will come to an end. But some things *DO* last forever and ever, without end!" I didn't know the exact Scripture references, but the Spirit brought a few of these to mind as I lay in bed, and I looked up a few more this morning:

"His steadfast love endures forever" (Psalm 136)

"...Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and of peace there will be no end" (Isaiah 9:6-7)

"the word of our God will stand forever" (Isaiah 40:8)

"My salvation will be forever" (Isaiah 51:6)

"I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever" (John 6:51)

"He will give you another Helper, to be with you forever" (John 14:16)

"The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ, and He shall reign forever and ever" (Revelation 11:15)

When I am struggling--whether in the pain of childbirth, or the demands of motherhood and dying to self, or whatever more dramatic trials may come--I want to remember this. The struggle, the trial, will not last forever. But my Father's love and mercy and faithfulness last forever! His Word will last forever. His perfect reign of righteousness and grace and peace will last forever. His Holy Spirit will be with me forever. And I will live forever with Him! How glad I am for such glorious truth on which to meditate and be encouraged.

Just Checking In

I had every intention of blogging daily, like I did last time, from late September until Baby's arrival. Well...yeah. I guess after that little flurry of posting over the last couple of weeks, I ran out of steam.

I don't have a whole lot to report, really. We're just in a holding pattern of sorts, waiting on labor to start and life to turn upside-down :) I'm thankful that my hips haven't been hurting quite so much, and that I'm in a much better place in terms of fear and anxiety than I was a week or so ago. I'm growing eager to meet this new little one, but am sleeping pretty well and emotionally doing well and therefore not (yet) to that dreaded "I am SO DONE being pregnant!!" point that so many mamas deal with at the very end of pregnancy.

Just staying close to home, trying to do a little more decluttering or put a couple more meals in the freezer, enjoying a donut date with my little buddy. Trying to soak up the early morning extended times with the Lord that I know will end soon, the one-on-one time with Elijah, and the quiet time I have to relax and do whatever I want while Elijah is napping or playing by himself. And thanking God that I don't have obnoxious family members or friends calling me constantly and bugging me about when the baby is going to come :)

Thanks for your prayers as we prepare for the birth of our second child!

Baby Belly: 38 Weeks

OCTOBER?!?!?!?!

October is birth month! How is it October already?

Holy huge pregnant belly, Batman...

Yep, I'd say that means it's just about time...

But, noting that it's "just about time" makes me antsy to get on my soapbox. That is, the fact that I find it absurd to fixate on a "due date." Did you know:

• "No two women gestate for the same length of time. The 244 days of gestation used to calculate from your last period is an 'average.' It does not represent the 'ideal' length of pregnancy." (source)
• Only 5% of babies are born on their due dates. (source)
• "It's perfectly normal for 80 percent of healthy babies to have anywhere from a 38- to 42-week gestation. Several generations ago, a physician might tell an expectant mother that she was due 'sometime in late October or early November'" (source)

I just can't help wondering: When and how and why did we as a society end up in this odd position of determining that we know the precise date that a baby should be born--and then going crazy with medical interventions to control and manipulate a natural process so that it happens in our perfect timing?

So, all that to say: Baby will almost certainly be born this month. Beyond that...who knows? :)

Elijah's Book

One of my favorite things that came out of our participation in the KidTalk study is a book. It's not available in bookstores; it's a special edition, just for our family. And it's called Elijah Becomes a Big Brother.

At some point during the summer, Megan (Elijah's therapist) asked me what we were doing to prepare Elijah for the new baby's arrival. I mentioned that I planned to get a doll and talk about "gentle touches," and that we had a handful of books about new babies/big siblings. Otherwise, what can you do? We've talked to him about it, but I don't know how much he really understands at this age. He'll tell you that there's a baby in Mama's belly (and that the baby's name is Gogu Kookaba), and he will kiss my belly or say, "Hi, Baby!"--but I don't think he really has any idea what's coming.

So Megan suggested we write a story. There's a special term for it that I don't think I can use here due to trademark infringement issues, but here's the website where the concept originated. Basically, for any transition or major life event that you think is going to throw your child for a loop, you write a story about it--a story about *him*. It prepares the child for the changes that are coming and helps him know what to expect.

Megan thought that with Elijah's love for books, combined with the fact that he does really well with being prepared in advance for what's going to happen next, he would do much better with the new baby if we wrote one of these stories for him. She offered to help me write one, so we got to work.

I decided to do a real photo book. We used lots of pictures from when Elijah was a baby, and staged several with a doll. Shutterfly had an awesome Groupon a few weeks ago, perfect timing--and the finished product arrived last week. I'm so excited about this book!

It starts out by talking about how Elijah was once a tiny baby, and now he has grown to be three years old.

It goes through what's going to happen when it's time for the baby to be born (with photos of my midwife, and the girl who's going to care for him, and her house where he will go). Then it explains various scenarios of life postpartum: who will come and visit; what he can do when the baby is nursing; what he can do when the baby cries; etc.

He has enjoyed reading it over the last few days and pointing out all the people he recognizes--especially himself :) I am hopeful that this book will go a LONG way in helping Elijah adjust to what is surely going to be a very dramatic and potentially difficult disruption in the world as he knows it!

Look Out: It's a Baby Hurricane!

The old joke has never seemed more appropriate than at our church this year: If you don't want to be pregnant, don't drink the water! The new year brought a huge string of baby announcements--a total of SEVEN women due between September - December. That might not seem all that impressive until you consider that our church has only 29 adult female members. That's not "married women of childbearing age"--that's *all* the women who are covenant members. A quarter of us are pregnant!

Appropriately enough, the non-pregnant women decided that a party for all these babies couldn't really be called a shower--it was more like a hurricane :) So on Saturday, we had a little celebration anticipating all these new little lives. One of the pregnant women couldn't be there, and the other is having a separate shower since it's her first baby, but the five of us present lined up for a photo op:

Melita's incredible talent and creativity were on display with all the decorations--she made the paper flowers hanging from the ceiling, our corsages (made of paper flowers) and the centerpieces:

Everything matched our green and yellow nursery, so I swiped a few things that were otherwise headed for the trash!

Another fun feature was a "photo booth" they had set up. I loved looking through the pictures (a link to a private Flickr album was distributed yesterday) and seeing all the crazy photos of various women being silly--two in particular (*cough* Jessie Rae and Donna *cough*). One of my favorite pictures was of my friend Lydia...everyone likes to tease her about the giant hairbows she puts on her little girl's head, so someone had the brilliant idea to put one of the giant paper flowers on *her* head:

I took the opportunity to get a photo with Jessie Rae...this is my sweet friend who will be taking care of Elijah when the baby comes (as long as her sister doesn't go into labor first!):

And I also got to do a belly photo with my sister-in-law! Steve's brother and his family were visiting for the weekend, so Michelle came to the "hurricane" with me. She's not due until next spring, so she hardly has a belly yet--just the tiniest little pooch that you wouldn't notice unless she was wearing fitted clothes and you knew how thin she usually is. But this was our first and only opportunity to take a belly shot together :)

The women of RBCN were a blessing to me, generously giving of their time and talents in planning/decorating/cooking for the shower (we had some seriously yummy food)...and several of them generously ignored the "no gifts" request :P I am thankful to be expecting along with six other beautiful women, and thankful to be surrounded by all these women whom I know will love and support me and our new little one!

Family Photo Shoot

My sweet, generous and talented friend Emily agreed to take some maternity photos for us a few weeks ago. I am so excited to have these! Elijah was being very "three" that day--but all things considered, he didn't do too badly and we got some fun shots. Just thought I would post some favorites...if you want to see more, the full set is here.

Baby Kannel #2: A Preview

Belated posting is the name of the game at the blog this week, apparently. Though I do have a slightly better excuse for the lateness of this one. For the longest time, I couldn't get our scanner to work. Now that we're only a few weeks away from actually meeting Baby Kannel #2...shall I post some ultrasound pictures from almost three months ago?!

I was happy that we got a much clearer 3D photo this time. Elijah had his arm over his face the entire time, so we didn't get great shots of him. This little one gave us a better glimpse:

I've tried comparing the ultrasound photos to see if they look alike, but I can't really tell. (Honestly, even look at Elijah's ultrasound photos, I'd never be able to tell it was him.) That's one of the things I'm most curious about: Will this baby look like Elijah, or completely different? I know families where you can tell without a doubt that all the siblings are related, and then other families where brothers don't even look like they came from the same parents--so I can't wait to see this baby's features. I am hoping for Steve's eyes this time around :)

With Elijah, we didn't find out the gender--we weren't even tempted; we knew for sure we wanted to be surprised. This time, Steve and I both agreed early on that we'd like to find out, just to see how it would be different knowing in advance. So we did receive news of the gender at our June ultrasound...but much to the chagrin of our parents and several friends, we are keeping it a secret. I'm not even sure why we decided to do that, other than to be ornery :) It's kind of fun to have a big secret--but also really hard to not say "he/she" instead of "the baby"!

We have the first name picked out, though we haven't decided on a middle name. It's hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy has flown by. I'm well into my last trimester and needing to start preparing in earnest for the birth! We are planning a homebirth this time, which I'm excited about and thankful for, but I do have to admit it is more of a hassle in this one way, having to order/collect supplies. I'm asking God for a joyful and positive, rather than traumatic, birth experience this time--and hoping that delivering at home, possibly in the water, will be a huge factor in helping that happen.

So that's the 34-week pregnancy update around here. We just got photos back from a maternity shoot that a friend of mine did a couple of weeks ago--if you're my friend on Facebook you saw them already--so I'll be posting those here soon.

Multitude Monday, Take 156

I think it's about time I share with you all some special things I am grateful for. Over the last fifteen weeks, I've been thanking God for many unusual blessings, including...

450. nausea that was mild and only lasted a couple of months
451. this adorable t-shirt I found on Etsy for Elijah

452. the fact that my toddler still takes great naps, so I can too
453. choices when it comes to care providers
454. maternity clothes a friend generously let me borrow
455. several friends at church all due within a month or so of me
456. the ability to conceive

457. the incredible way He knits babies together in their mothers' wombs
458. getting to hear a strong heartbeat this afternoon
459. the tiny flutters I think I am just starting to feel
460. the gift of motherhood
461. the grace He promises to provide for each new blessing He brings

Survey for Moms

Via Ask Moxie, an important survey for pregnant mamas and women who have given birth in the last six months:

Leslie Davis, a researcher at Illinois State University, is doing a study on pre-natal and post-partum depression, and she's trying to tease out the differences in mood disorders (depression vs. anxiety, etc.) so that they can work on more effective plans for treatment.

She needs women to fill out their online survey. You are eligible if you are pregnant and 26 weeks along or more, or if you are between 6 week and 6 months post-partum.

Please, please please, if you are in this category or know people who are, fill out the survey. Forward on the URL to everyone in your childbirth ed class, new moms' group, breastfeeding support group, online support group. Ask the moderator of any online boards you post on if you can post the link there. The more responses the researcher gets, the better info she'll have and the better prevention/diagnosis/treatment we'll be able to offer to pregnant women and new mothers.

Go help out with the research--you might even win a prize. More importantly, your answers may help other mamas who struggle as their lives are turned upside-down by new babies!

ESTIMATED Date of Delivery

[warning: cranky pregnant woman rant ahead]

My dear friend and fellow nine-months-pregnant woman Julie posted a helpful list a few days ago of "things not to say to a pregnant woman." It is astounding, really, the rude things people feel free to say to you when you are expecting. I've gotten a couple of the ones Julie listed, and added one of my own in the comments.

However, the question I'm finding increasingly annoying lately is not at all rude like the ones on Julie's list. It's a perfectly normal and common question, without the least bit of insensitivity or stupidity on the part of the asker. I just find it personally obnoxious because I'm anal-retentive like that. The question I'm tired of is, "So exactly how much longer do you have now?"

Have you ever heard the abbreviation "EDD"? It stands for Estimated Date of Delivery (or Expected Date of Delivery, or Estimated Due Date). It reminds me that my "due date" is an ESTIMATE: an educated GUESS. The fact is, your guess is as good as mine or my midwife's as to when this baby will be born. I do not know. She does not, either.

I knew before I even got pregnant that I wanted to try extra hard not to get attached to a certain date. Babies--especially babies of first time moms--just aren't that predictable. And I have personally seen due dates make expectant parents crazy, on more than one occasion. So I didn't circle a number on the calendar and write "Baby!" And I purposely have told almost no one specifically what the "exact due date" is--because the very phrase itself is oxymoronic.

It is highly, highly likely that Baby Kannel will be an August baby. But this is a baby, not a library book. If he/she sticks around past my "EDD," he/she is not "overdue." God has ordained the days of this baby's life before one of them came to be, and He alone knows the perfect time for delivery.

Consider also:

• Only 5% of babies are born on their due dates. (source)
• "It's perfectly normal for 80 percent of healthy babies to have anywhere from a 38- to 42-week gestation. Several generations ago, a physician might tell an expectant mother that she was due 'sometime in late October or early November'" (source)
• "Robert Mittendord of the University of Chicago Medical Center has isolated 16 factors that can influence the accuracy of a predicted due date. ...First-time mothers can almost be counted on to deliver ten days or more after their due date."(source)
• "No two women gestate for the same length of time. The 244 days of gestation used to calculate from your last period is an 'average.' It does not represent the 'ideal' length of pregnancy." (source)

That's why I'm trying to avoid preoccupation with a specific date. Frankly, I find it pointless. I want Baby to come when he or she is ready, not when the due date calculator says it's time. In other words, it could be tonight. Or a week from now. Or not until the end of the month. I have absolutely no idea. And that's why I find the question "How much longer do you have?" somewhat tiresome.

(Disclaimer: This post is not directed personally at any readers of this blog, and I hope none will find it offensive. If you have asked me this, you are definitely in the majority, and it's a perfectly innocent question--I am not annoyed with YOU, simply with the concept. It's just my anal-retentive take on pregnancy, and this is my blog, so I'm allowed to rant about stupid things once in while. Humor a pregnant woman, okay?)

[/rant]

Blogging Until Baby

OK, OK, everyone...let's not jump to conclusions...48 hours without a blog post does not automatically mean Amy is at the hospital in labor :)

I do understand the suspense though. I have felt the same way when pregnant blogger friends of mine went a while without posting! So, I'll make you a deal: Now that it's August, I'll start posting daily until the baby comes. If a whole day goes by without a post...don't hold your breath, it might just be pregnancy brain causing me to forget. But if two whole days pass and you still haven't heard from me, you can safely assume I'm at the hospital. If you get lucky I might even post telling you we're on our way there (I should have time as I plan to labor at home as long as possible--though who knows if I'll be in the mood to stop and sit down at the computer to blog :).

It'll be good for me to be disciplined about blogging every day, and then you all can relax :) Deal?