Fresh Starts and New Beginnings

Hey, so. If GoDaddy is going to keep billing me for this domain name, I should maybe use it, huh?

I don't really know what happened to this space. Well, I mean, I sort of do.

 

I spent nine months devoting most of my energy (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) to carrying her in a 35-year-old body that does NOT do pregnancy well.

 

And then I've spent the last five months figuring out how to settle back into a season of life I've not seen in a long, long time.

 

My days are once again full of nursing and diapers, tummy time and babywearing, walks with a stroller and troubleshooting fussing and trying to catch a quick nap. Only this time around, they're also filled with listening to a beginning reader, signing math homework, driving to piano lessons and soccer practice. It's hard to find time or space to think my own thoughts, much less write them down. Especially when I'm desperately rusty, having all but forgotten how.

Today I have a babysitter. Three whole hours of a friend's homeschooled teenage daughter entertaining my baby so I can do whatever I want. Ha. Of course "whatever I want" looks like being paralyzed with anxiety about how best to use the three hours, knowing the time will fly by. It looks like fighting rejected insurance claims, calling orthodontists, attempting to summit Mount Laundry, and stressing about whether I'm going to end up paying the babysitter to be here while Miriam sleeps.

But, at least today, it also looks like sitting down to a blank screen and a blinking cursor and trying to remember how to do this writing thing. Let's be honest: this blog was dying a long, slow death for quite some time before Miss Miriam arrived on the scene. And yet, as a much-beloved writing professor reminded me years ago: "Thankfully, we are people of the resurrection!"

Just yesterday I came across this incredibly timely and encouraging post by Rebecca Reynolds at Thistle and Toad. She concludes:

...Now and then I can write an encouraging post for five people--or I can write a post for one person who is struggling.

I can wait to post until I have something important to say.

I can let the gospel apply small. I can let God be God and trust Him to place my labors in the context that is most useful to him.

I can live small then smaller still, encouraging my readers to do the same.  

I can do all this because the gift of writing doesn't offer an identity that springs into being with a publishing contract, or with a following in the 100’s of thousands. Writing well is simply a tool to utilize in the context of an identity that was secured long ago by the work of Jesus. We have nothing to earn; we have only to wake up each morning and say, "In every small step I take, Thy will be done."

So here's to fresh starts. Here's to tiny baby steps, the smallest of efforts in the right direction. Here's to awkwardness and imperfection and muscling through the anxiety to get something, anything, on the page. Hopefully I'll be back soon.

31 Days of Public Failure

So...nothing like declaring you're going to write on your blog every day for the next 31 days...and falling on your face on day three.

The timing of October's 31 Days challenge was rotten this year. We got home at 9PM on a Sunday night after 16 days out of town and had to hit the ground running Monday morning. I had just four days to catch up on laundry, juggle the usual household tasks, attend soccer games, deal with extra makeup homework, take a sick kid to the doctor, and finish preparing for a speaking engagement. Then I hit the road again on Friday for a women's retreat. Whew!

Because I was going to be gone all weekend, I needed to have my first four posts written and scheduled to publish before Friday morning. The truth is, I *could* have gotten this done if I'd managed my time better Monday through Thursday. Story of my life.

Even though I didn't have it all done before I left, I still went ahead and published the first two, holding out hope that I could finish up day 3 while I was gone and maybe get day 4 thrown together late Sunday night after I got home.

Ha. Hahahaha.

Again, I probably *could* have made even this happen, but when it got right down to it, other choices were wiser to make: deep conversation into the late night with an old friend. Being present with my family after a weekend away from them. Sleep.

So once again real life takes precedence over blogging, and I'm sort of #sorrynotsorry. I want to be a woman whose word means something, so I hate saying I'm going to do something and not following through. I also hate my ongoing failures to make wise choices about how I use my time. For those reasons, I'm frustrated to have dropped the ball.

On the other hand, my failure was in the end due in part to wise choices made. It's not like I let anyone down personally by not blogging (it's more like no one noticed or cared). And the reality is, it's good for me to fail publicly. It's good for me to be humbled, and it's good for others to see that I don't have it all together.

Among other things my friend and I discussed on Saturday night, she shared how knowing me exclusively through my blog for the last decade (after knowing me in real life when we were in high school and college) had led her to think maybe I was some sort of ultra-wise spiritual superstar (that's my summary, not her words--I can't remember how she actually put it). Thankfully a couple of days spent with me in the flesh set her straight :P

It's easy to forget that when we read blogs and Facebook/Instagram feeds, we are only getting a narrow slice of someone's life (especially when that someone blogs as infrequently as I do). No matter how much I try to be genuine and authentic, you just don't see the whole picture. This is something I want to be aware of and careful about. I don't want to craft some sort of misleading online persona; I want my writing voice to ring true, to sound like the real me in real life. At the same time, it's the nature of the beast--and, it's also worth remembering that everyone doesn't need to see everyone else's tender and vulnerable spots. There are parts of my heart and my life that are precious and private, things that I do not put here for everyone not because I am hiding, but because they are reserved for those closest to me, those who are invested in my heart and my life.

All that to say, if you are also reading along and have ever been tempted to think highly of me--by all means, let me set you straight on that immediately. I am broken. I am a mess. I can't even make it to day 3 of a 31-day writing challenge :)

I'm still going to come back to the 31 Days of Italy thing. I have lots and lots of stories and photos to share, and it will do me some good to get those down while they're still fresh. So, look for it starting back up tomorrow.

Multitude Monday, Take 346

I miss blogging. I don't even know what happened here...but somehow I need to take some of my friend Danielle's advice about making space for creativity in the midst of motherhood. Unlike her, I struggle mightily with time management, and thus find myself mired in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed, escaping, and being ruled by the tyranny of the urgent.

I've been absolutely itching to write lately, and have even managed to scribble out a couple of poems. But I'm also feeling the pull to get back to this blog. I've been somewhat more back in the habit of giving thanks offline, but haven't been able to carve out the time to transfer lists here weekly. Here's to spring and new beginnings, and taking time a day late to thank God for recent gifts like...

7165. my BIL's engagement = a new sister-in-law coming!
7166. being pleased for all His fullness to dwell in Jesus and reconcile us by His blood
7167. we who were alienated an hostile can be holy, blameless, above reproach before Him
7168. running into friends at the park on a sunny afternoon
7169. boys cleaning out the van, actually doing a great job

7170. a spring break outing to Warner Park with friends
7171. boys getting filthy and having fun

7172.  boys' spontaneous gratitude: "That was SO FUN, Mom! Thank you for taking us to the park!"
7173. encouraging feedback about my work on the Simeon Course
7174. free drinks at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts for my birthday
7175. physical and spiritual bread broken with our dear small group
7176. this beautiful moment of Jude and his friend huddled over the Jesus Storybook Bible while we grownups talked about a passage from John

7177. grace to parent patiently, not get irritated, uncover the real problem
7178. rare parenting wins that feel so rich and rewarding
7179. birthday phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, cards
7180. birthday dinner at Mafiaoza's

7181. Jude rapping Shai Linne lyrics while playing with Legos: "C-H-R-I-S-T! We praise! C-H-R-I-S-T! We serve!"
7182. my briefly lost fleece jacket found again, still lying on the sidewalk where I'd dropped it
7183. God is moved to pity by the groaning of His people
7184. full, forever healing for precious Rusty Schultz
7185. his and his mother's incredible testimony

7186. the glorious reality of Heaven that awaits us
7187. Jesus has defeated death--it will be the last enemy to be DESTROYED
7188. a weekend in Memphis with one of my favorite families
7189. coming full circle: Diane's kids babysitting for mine after I used to babysit for them :)
7190. What's App for communication with Steve when he was overseas

7191. adorable golden doodle puppies
7192. grace to cast off anxiety
7193. caring for me and wanting me to cast it on Him
7194. snuggling a friend's brand-new baby
7195. first forsythia blossoms

7196. rich time studying His Word
7197. a week-long visit from Grammy while Steve was out of town
7198. the world turning vibrantly green
7199. Grammy spoiling the boys AND me :)
7200. sweet, precious, earnest time in prayer with beautiful sisters from church

7201. Skype with Steve--and an unbelievable connection when he was in London. YAY technology!
7202. the tremendous affection I feel for my husband
7203. his sending me selfies in front of famous sights in London
7204. listening to an old recording of my grandparents' voices with my mom
7205. a gorgeous day for a field trip to Cheekwood

7206. sunlit tulips, and pansies that remind me of my grandmother

 

 

7207. hyacinth for days

7208. tulips, tulips and more tulips--and we barely saw a third of them in bloom

7209. Jude's preschool art fair

7210. Mom and I thinking alike, separately having the idea to do a Stray Boots tour in Nashville while the boys were in school

7211. sweet reunion with Steve after two weeks on different continents, answered prayers for his safety
7212. the way reunions and vacations and homecomings point to Heaven
7213. his bringing me Swiss chocolate
7214. grandparents babysitting so we could have a date

7215. a three-day, low-key weekend together as a family after a chaotic month
7216. an arm band for my phone
7217. poetry
7218. these crazy cuties, and the fact that their wedding outfits still worked for Easter six months later

7218. Jesus' patience with His unbelieving disciples
7219. He is RISEN, just as He said!

About Me

I believe my sidebar has said "full bio coming soon" for about a year or so now. So here I am, finally getting around to fixing that :) 

I've been a writer for as long as I can remember, but I often feel like an impostor calling myself such. As a quick look at the archives of this blog will tell you, I write in fits and spurts at best. Somewhere after college, I seem to have misplaced my discipline and self-motivation, and that part of me sort of died. But as my favorite writing professor pointed out when I mentioned this to her a few years back: "Thankfully, we are people of the Resurrection!"

Still, in light of the dizzying number of bloggers like me out there--women who are more prolific, more business-savvy, more eloquent and have a far bigger platform--I often wonder why I feel compelled to keep this up. I've been writing on this blog for over ten years now (here's where the title came from, in case you were wondering), but I don't have a lot of followers or a significant reach; I don't bring in any side income for my family. Why do my words here even matter? Am I just one more unnecessary voice adding to the cacophony of internet content clamoring for your limited and valuable time?  

I don't know, but I'm realizing more and more that I *need* to be writing--even if I am not exceptional, even if there are a million other bloggers out there. As Jennie Allen so helpfully said recently, "Before killing your dream because someone else is already doing it, remember there are 7 billion people on the planet. I am just saying there is a chance that the other person is not reaching all of them." Point taken! Whether there are many or few who read my words here, it is a privilege to have even a single soul visit my little corner of the internet and consider what I have to say. I don't take that lightly.

Beyond that, I write for my own health. If I am not writing, I am generally not seeing, not preaching to myself, not mapmaking. If I am not writing, I am not thriving.

So I write to preach the truth to myself, and welcome you to listen in along the way. I write to reflect on the joys and trials of living in a testosterone-filled house. I write to process the challenges of pointing two impressionable little ones to Jesus (and the ways they point me to Jesus). I write to practice gratitude and remembrance. I write to capture and celebrate the extraordinary stories of ordinary people and the Grand Storyteller behind them all. I write to keep the Main Thing the Main Thing--to redirect my focus to Christ. I write to remember who He is, what He did at the cross, what He has done in my life, and what He promises to one day complete.

And I also write about random and/or frivolous things like my pen obsession (which, incidentally, is still the #1 most viewed and commented-upon thing I've ever written...keeps me humble) or grammar (I will freely admit to chronically overusing the ellipsis and the em-dash). 

A few more rooted, less lofty specifics: I grew up in Ohio, graduated from Indiana Wesleyan University, and married a boy I'd known since we were seven and loved since we were seventeen. We moved to the Nashville area immediately after our wedding, and I will be forever grateful to the South for introducing me to tomato pie.

When I'm not writing, you might find me making said pie and other kitchen messes, singing and snuggling and reading with my boys (ages 7 and 4), ballroom dancing in the living room with Mr. Wonderful, pretending to be a photographer, or working on one of our many never-ending home renovation projects. Or, OK, let's be honest: I'm sorry to say you're also likely to find me wasting time on Facebook and procrastinating from cleaning my shower.

At any rate, if you’d told me ten years ago that I would even think of mentioning cooking in a bio, I would have declared you certifiably insane…which helps me remember that God is in the business of changing people, even if the process is slower than my perfectionistic self would prefer.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope you'll stick around...maybe even leave a comment...or subscribe via email or Facebook.

NaBloPoMo 2014

It's that time of year again...you know, the month when I kill myself trying to come up with new content every day and operate under the delusion that this frenetic writing pace will magically translate into more regular/frequent posting in the months that follow.

But hey, it's fun while it lasts and it's better than nothing.

In other words: National Blog Posting Month (aka NaBloPoMo)!

I've got all kinds of stuff on deck for the next few weeks: several more installments of the "Treasures" series; fall recipes; parenting reflections; Scripture meditations...even another book giveaway--plus of course the usual gratitude lists and adorable photos of my boys :)

So I hope you'll make time to visit a little more often these next few weeks--I'm looking forward to settling into a neglected but needed writing groove.

NaBloPoMo 2013

Having just finished a 31-day blog challenge, it seems a bit much to launch straight into National Blog Posting Month. But I'm hitting a writing groove, and I've done it for the last seven years straight. And I've got no shortage of material in my drafts folder.

I'm not going to try to write every day in November; I don't think that's a wise goal at this point, with all the other stuff on my plate. But my loosely-held plan is to be here every weekday. Among other things, I'm determined to wrap up the love story series before the end of the year, and I've got a whole bunch more treasures to share.

So stick around! And if you need some motivation to write, join in with NaBloPoMo. This will be way easier than 31 Days--you can write about whatever you want, not just a specific theme!

Failure and Perspective

We are in the throes of potty-learning over here, and the need for constant vigilance has overruled my need to write. To be honest, I'm frustrated that I haven't been able to keep up blogging this week; I'm still overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to juggle All The Things.

Potty training, believe it or not, has provided plenty of fodder for a blog post on seeing Jesus...but at 11:19PM, I'm pretty sure everyone in my family would be better served if I went to bed instead of working on a coherent post about it. I'm still just as much a night owl as I was in high school and college, but the difference is, I can't sleep in like I used to be able to back then--and when I stay up late, although I feel fine at the time, I pay for it over the next several days.

I could get discouraged about my failure to accomplish this 31 Days challenge. But I think a better perspective is to realize that while I have not blogged 23 times this month, I *have* blogged about three times as much as I would have if I hadn't been attempting the challenge.

As I have preached to myself and encouraged others dozens of times over the last several months, we can get discouraged about how far we have to go and how huge our screw-ups have been, or we can acknowledge how far we've come and celebrate progress no matter how small the steps.

So with that...good night. I'm hoping to get in some good writing time tomorrow while Jude's Mom's Day Out teacher deals with the hourly bathroom trips :)


[This post is part of the series "31 Days of Seeing Jesus"--click here for a list of all posts.] 

Failing, Freaking Out, and Learning to Be Served

So. Um.

Obviously the silence on the blog yesterday means I get a big red FAIL for 31 Days. I am both OK and not OK with that.

It's OK, because ultimately this blog is a tool. When I decided to take on this challenge, I promised Steve and myself that if at any point it was really not serving my family well for me to put up a daily post, I would prioritize accordingly. And the fact is, it would not have served my family for me to spend an hour on my blog yesterday. I was out of town all weekend, and had pre-written and scheduled articles to publish while I was gone. But I had nothing ready for my first day back, and between a kindergarten field trip, catching up on sleep after a late-night flight, quality time with boys who missed their mama, and a soccer game, my blogging time was pretty much shot. Such is life.

On the other hand, it's not OK because of how alive I have felt the last two weeks. Writing is good for my soul. It has felt so right to be back this month, to be cranking out words. Unfortunately I have not yet figured out a balance between writing and all the other normal life stuff I'm still responsible for. Spending so much time on the computer last week meant pulling meals out of the freezer and letting Mount Laundry pile up and ignoring the state of my floors. I obviously can't do that forever, and the sad truth is that my shower, instead of cleaning itself while I was out of town, actually had the nerve to go and get even more disgusting. (WHEN are they going to invent self-cleaning showers? The shower is the bane of my existence. Give me a toilet over a tub any day of the week. Meanwhile, I would be truly mortified to have anyone use my bathroom at this point.)

Back in college, I was crazy-busy, and I accomplished a lot. I have found in the past that when my time is fuller and more limited, I manage it better--I have to. It feels like life has cranked into high gear around here, and my poor self-discipline and time-management skills are sputtering to catch up.

So I appreciate your patience as I re-learn how to juggle writing and life. And I appreciate Steve's patience as he picks up the slack. If I have to name one way I have seen Jesus the last few days, it is in the kind eyes and serving hands of my sweet husband. He consistently reflects the selfless, sacrificial love of Christ to me, and this past week has been no different.

From Steve's generosity in buying me a plane ticket to go visit a dear friend, to his solo parenting the boys for three solid days, to his tackling a pile of dishes this afternoon while his panicky, anxious wife sat down and did a brain-dump of the million tasks jamming up her mind...y'all, when I got home from my little vacation at midnight on Monday, Elijah's lunch was packed and ready for the next day. Laundry had been folded. Children had been read to and played with and well fed. This man is a keeper.

So when Steve started in with the dishes tonight, after patiently rubbing my back for a few minutes while I freaked out, I squirmed inside. A big part of me wanted to say, "Please stop being so amazing. Stop doing the things I should have gotten done today. I feel so guilty." It is hard to be served sometimes, even as it is wonderful--trust me, being married to this man, I know.

Instead I bit my tongue, and I gave thanks. The reality is, I am needy. I *am* guilty. And the ways my husband meets me in the midst of my weakness and failure and loves me enough to do what I should have done but did not do? Well, Steve provides a tiny picture of the way Jesus loves me, the way He stoops down into the messes I have made. He obeyed perfectly where I do not. He patiently, sweetly calms my anxious heart, promising that when I am weak, He is strong. When I don't have it in me, He is enough. When I make stupid and selfish choices, He will lay down His life for me. And as if all that weren't enough, in His lavish generosity, He gives me a husband who will quietly remind me of who He is without saying a word.


[This post is part of the series "31 Days of Seeing Jesus"--click here for a list of all posts.]

31 Days of Seeing Jesus

[Scroll down to read Day 1]

Day 2: Acknowledging Blindness and ASKING for Sight 
Day 3: Who Can Deliver You: Jesus Seen in Daniel 3
Day 4: Keep Asking
Day 5: Giving All You Have: Jesus and the Widow's Offering
Day 6: Look Up 
Day 7: Back Up the Sunbeam
Day 8: Jesus Cancels Mommy Guilt 
Day 9: Rebellion, Curses, Disobedient Sons: Jesus Fulfills the Law
Day 10: Chattanooga Vacation, and My Longing for More
Day 11: The Power of the Inheritance
Day 12: A Lesson in Art Appreciation
Day 13: Open the Eyes of My Heart
Day 14: Prayer Paves the Way for Seeing
Day 15: [none]
Day 16: Failing, Freaking Out, and Learning to Be Served
Day 17: Treasures :: A Broken Piece of Cornerstone
Day 18: Inheritance, Injustice, and a Greater Story
Day 19: The Righteous King's House Endures
Day 20: Where Justice and Mercy Meet
Day 21: Multitude Monday, Take 302
Day 22: [none]
Day 23: Failure and Perspective
Day 24: On Potty Training and Eternal Realities
Day 25: Treasures :: A Sharp Pebble
Day 26: [none]
Day 27: Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus
Day 28: Multitude Monday, Take 303
Day 29: Keeping Promises
Day 30: [none]
Day 31: Noticing the Good


There's this exhilarating moment when threads converge. You hear something one place, and then have a conversation with someone else, and then it's in the book you're reading. You get a random blog comment, you get lost on rabbit trails exploring a new blog, and then boom! you're signing up for 31 Days.

Just about the only way I ever realize that God is speaking to me is when I hear the same message over and over from unrelated sources. That's been happening lately with the idea of seeing Jesus. Our pastor has been hitting it hard on Sunday mornings, and I've had this awareness that if I could learn to fix my eyes on Jesus--really *see* Him--I would be different. Everything would be different.

You see (ooh, pun intended), it's not that I don't know who He is and what He has done. It's not that I don't know what I should or shouldn't be doing. It's that in the moment, my eyes are everywhere else: fixed on the mundane task in front of me...fixed on myself and the desires of my flesh...fixed on my sin, my struggles...fixed on my duties, my plan for trying harder and doing better.

What does it really mean to fix my eyes on Jesus? How do I do that? What does it look like?

I don't really know yet, but I do know that one way I see is by writing--John Piper's little rhyme rings so true in my heart:

I know not how the light is shed,
Nor understand this lens.
I only know that there are eyes
In pencils and in pens.

Which brings me to the other theme that's been coming up repeatedly: I'm realizing more and more that I *need* to be writing--even if I am not amazing, even if Christian stay-at-home moms who blog are a dime a dozen, even if I never publish a book or grow an impressive platform. If I am not writing, I am generally not seeing, not preaching to myself, not mapmaking. If I am not writing, I am not thriving.

I was reminded of this just yesterday as I read Elizabeth Maxon's 31 Days post from last October. Her words about overcoming fear and writing resonated with me, and I remembered, "oh yeah, I've seen other bloggers do this 31 Days challenge in the past." Instantly I knew what my topic would be: 

Seeing Jesus. 

All the threads converge: write, every day, about seeing Jesus. Making myself slow down and look carefully and SEE, so that I have something to write about. Making myself write, so that I can see. 

Since I just decided yesterday to do this, I have no idea where it will really go. I'm anticipating maybe three types of posts. First, I'll open the Word and look for Jesus where you don't expect to find Him, in the Old Testament. All of Scripture points to Him, if only we have eyes to see Him. Second, I'll be looking for Him in the ordinary moments of my life. This will be the hardest part, but the part I most need to grow in. And third, I may share some stories from other people's lives (especially my husband). Steve is great at helping me see our Savior, so if I get stuck I'll probably borrow his brilliant observations :) 

This is going to be intense. I may not actually finish. Trying to discern what I can or should dive into is tricky, and I have a lot of other things going on this month. But I want to learn to see better; I want to train my eyes to focus on the beauty and glory of Jesus. So...here we go!

The End

I so hate to end NaBloPoMo on an anticlimactic note...alas, it's eight minutes to midnight and I've spent most of the day cuddling an extremely pathetic two-year-old. Jude is miserable, and nothing but Mama would do. So my house is a mess, but I let him nap on my chest this morning and tried to soak in the moment, knowing soon he will be much too big for that and I'll miss having a snugglebug.

As usual, my drafts folder and idea list is bulging with things I didn't get to this month. As usual, I really need to cut back on the blogging time these next few weeks and use my online time for shopping and creating photo calendars and such instead. But! As usual, I have been reminded of how I *need* to be writing. And I want to keep at it. So I'll be back here and there over the next month, and hope to settle into a better routine in January. I'm still working on the love story series--thanks for your patience :)

"Best Of" Choosing Hallelujah: A Blog Retrospective

While we're catching up on old memes...Zoanna is always a great source for them, even if I don't come back to them for a year and a half :)

This one involves looking back through your old posts--that means almost a decade worth, since I officially started my blog nine years ago today(!)--and highlighting some notables. I'm using the original seven categories plus adding one of my own, just because I can:

(1) Most Beautiful 
The series I wrote on Jude's birth is pretty dear to my heart--its finale, Jude's Birth: Pain, Peace, Joy, tells a beautiful story and features some of the most precious and beautiful (in my opinion) photographs I own.

(2) Most Popular
Well, this one is easy: Where to Buy Cello Silke Pens takes both this category and #5. The post, alternately titled "The Story of a Crazy Woman and Her Pen Obsession, Part 2," has gotten more than four times as many hits as the next closest post. I continue to get comments on it three years later (it now has more comments on it than my previously most-commented-upon post, which was the announcement of Elijah's birth). My top referrals are usually google searches for "cello pens" or "cello silke" or some variation thereof. I did title the post to maximize search hits, but I certainly never dreamed it would take off like it did. It makes me smile every time I get a note in my inbox from some new, desperate, pen-obsessive searcher who proclaims that I have just saved their life and they are headed straight to Big Lots :)

When it's this one and the gratitude lists that get the most positive feedback, you get a good dose of humility as a blogger, that's for sure :)

(3) Most Controversial
I'm stumped here--I don't tend to post about controversial things all that often, or if I do, people don't comment much. The only thing that comes to mind is that whenever I post about anger, I seem to get pushback from people who don't like my labeling anger as sin. The last time was two years ago, when I  said I'd work on a follow-up...no surprise that I still haven't gotten around to that, either. It's on my NaBloPoMo list for this month, so we'll see. At any rate, previous anger posts have included:
Angry Baby
Anger is Not Neutral
Anger: Being the Wrong Kind of Image-Bearer
Thinking Biblically About Frustration

(4) Most Helpful 
I guess that Cello pen post would technically win here, too, but I want to look at some other posts! I don't know how helpful this has been to others, but Grace is Like Manna has been hugely helpful in my life, and the lesson/concept it describes is one I regularly share with others in real life. In the same vein, Who Gets the Last Word is another one I have to preach to myself and others constantly (and since Zo, who tagged me on this, called this one "perhaps one of the best ever," I guess it should get a mention!).

(5) Most Surprisingly Successful
See #2 above.

(6) Most Ignored 
I know I've had countless posts that I felt great about posting and then didn't get much (or any) feedback, but no specific ones come to mind. My comments section is generally not very lively, and I check my statistics very rarely, so I really don't have a sense of what actually gets read and what gets ignored. Sometimes I feel like I am just shouting into the void :)

(7) Most Proud Of
I'm running out of blogging-time here, so I'm going to cop out on this one and refer you to my "Favorite Posts" list in the sidebar. I'll go ahead and link here to a more recent post that's not listed there, What We Forget; What He Forgets--since ultimately my goal is to boast only in the cross, and if there's one thing I want to do here, it's point you to the beauty of Jesus.

(8) Most Vulnerable/Hardest to Write
Without a doubt, it was Crushed by Mother-Guilt, the beginning of a four-part series about my difficult and painful adjustment to motherhood. It was even harder after a couple of negative comments I got on part three--but I'd still like to think that this series could fall under the "most helpful" category, too.

I'd love to hear from you, if you have a favorite post or something I've written that has really struck a nerve. And I'm not going to bother tagging anyone on this, but if you want to participate, feel free and give me a heads-up in the comments section.

A Post a Day

I've done it every year since 2006--only failing once, in '09--and here we are for 2012 already:

NaBloPoMo!

My rate of blog posting has been steadily dropping all year, and for no good reason. It's not for lack of ideas; my drafts folder is overflowing with one-line prompts, half-written posts, nearly-finished material and more. And it's not for lack of time; I find that generally speaking, you make time for what you really want to do. No, it's any number of other lame issues, chief among them probably laziness and lack of discipline.

The truth is, I'm not healthy when I'm not writing. I'm pretty sure this blog is a decent barometer of my spiritual and emotional health--when I'm posting a fair amount, I'm in a good place, and when it's quiet here, I'm probably not thriving in real life, either.

So I sat down over the weekend and started organizing a list of post ideas. I have WAY more than I can possibly use this month! I'm excited to get going, hoping to get back into my groove over the next 30 days. I'm quite sure I won't sustain the momentum through December, since I've explained how the weeks following Thanksgiving get consumed by online shopping--but I'm hoping to crank out some interesting content this month, take a little break, and then jump back in after the first of the year with all the material I didn't get to use during NaBloPoMo.

Without further ado...here's to a month of blogging!

New Name, Same Great Taste

So. It's a new year, I turn 30 in a couple of months...I think it's long past time for me to abandon "Lavender *Sparkles*". I've wanted and needed a blog name change for years now, but my terrible-at-titling self was completely at a loss for ideas. For lack of creativity, Lavender *Sparkles* it was, long after I'd outgrown the silly name, despite the fact that it's the blog version of Grape-Nuts.

The name Choosing Hallelujah came to mind several months ago, the last time I was tossing around the possibility of officially changing names. I wasn't 100% sold on it, and I just left it be. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's really appropriate. It captures one of the main themes God has been writing on my heart over the last several years. It really crystallized through my pregnancy with Jude and his birth, as I explained when I wrote about how he got his name (which means "praise," fully "This time I will praise the LORD"). 

It comes from a song I love--one that was on my birth playlist for Jude, actually. Bethany Dillon's album Imagination includes a lovely song called "Hallelujah." Oh, how this chorus needs to be my theme song: Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

Choosing Hallelujah summarizes what I am often trying to do in my more thoughtful blog posts: preach truth to myself as I fight for joy. Motherhood has been for me a journey of choosing to trust, choosing to praise. So I think changing the name of my blog will first of all better describe what my blog is about (and be less awkward for people who link to my blog...I imagine my pastor, for example, feels a little weird when he shares an article on Facebook from someplace called "Lavender *Sparkles*"!).

And I think it will be yet another way to preach to myself--a built-in reminder, every time I open Blogger, that this is what I am called to do, this is what I want, this is what God will provide grace for: to choose hallelujah, to say in my weakness, Lord, I trust that You are good. In Your presence there is fullness of JOY. Give me grace to praise You. Or in other words, "Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing hallelujah."

Explanation/Excuse

I finally realized why my blogging always comes to a screeching halt in December after NaBloPoMo each year. How is it that I manage to post every day for 30 days, then completely stop posting except for gratitude lists?

It's because my online time in December gets consumed by Christmas shopping. I do about 95% of my shopping online--so time spent sitting here is easily eaten up with browsing and spending money. Frankly I would much rather be blogging!

For those of you who are procrastinators like me:

Shop through Ebates and get cash back for your purchases--it costs you nothing, just gets you free money!
Check RetailMeNot for coupon codes before you checkout
The Children's Place is having free shipping and 25% off everything today--combined with clearance prices, that gets me things like fleece sweatshirts for $5.

Quick Check-In

I made it over halfway through NaBloPoMo before getting to the "it's the end of the day and I'm tired and I haven't written a blog post yet but I don't want to lose the challenge" post :) That's allowed once, right?

I've got several posts in the works, including...
~why homebirth?
~why hire a doula?
~two fabulous stocking stuffer ideas
~revisiting a couple of old posts on anger
~reflections on various passages of Scripture and their connections to parenting

...but for tonight, I don't have the mental energy to bring any of them to completion. Instead I'll leave you with questions--what's your favorite type of post I write? What would you like to see me write about during the rest of the month?

Happy Blogiversary to Me

Today marks the eighth anniversary of this blog. How is that even possible?

I created Lavender *Sparkles* back in 2003, as a college senior--probably when I was supposed to be writing a paper or studying for a test. I only knew about one friend who had a blog, but I loved reading it (he has long since stopped blogging, sadly). So I started my own on a whim. I didn't post again until nine months later, and those first few months of posting were...well, let's just say I've grown up a lot in eight years.

Anyway, here we are, and I still marvel at the idea that there actually are several of you who "read my random musings." Thanks for sticking with me through posting feasts and famines. Thanks for giving me your precious time and putting in your own two cents. Thanks for taking the time to encourage me and for saying my kids are cute. I often think of how I want my blog to be more than it is, but have not devoted the time or the discipline to making that happen. In the meantime, I'm grateful for an outlet to write when the urge does strike me, and for the readers who care about and respond to what I have to say.

I'm also taking nominations for a name change. I really don't like Lavender *Sparkles*, but as my favorite writing prof in college would tell you, I'm terrible at titles.

A Prayer to End the Year

I tend to get all pensive and introspective this time of year. And my head is overflowing with blog posts...coming soon at Lavender *Sparkles*, in addition to Mega Memory Month, I'm hoping to post:

~Jude's birth story
~thoughts on homebirth
~reviews of the books I read in 2010, fiction and nonfiction
~the paragraph I almost left out of our Christmas letter, and why I kept it in because of the gospel
~our family Christmas pictures (waiting until friends and family have received the snail-mail version)
~outtakes from Elijah's Luke 2 recitation
~that follow-up post on anger I promised Jenny and Zoanna more than a month ago
~pictures and reviews of several handmade baby items I've bought or been given

So stay tuned!

In the meantime, after I got all reflective this morning, I was encouraged and moved by this prayer from Scotty Smith. I so needed his gospel-centered perspective on my introspection! If you subscribe to one new blog in 2011, make it his blog, Heavenward:

Heavenly Father, as I sit quietly before you on the eve of a New Year, I’ve got a healthy case of sad and glad going on inside of me. As I reflect over the past year, both of these emotions dance about, more like allies than enemies… for both are evidence the gospel is at work.

Read the rest of A Prayer About New Year's Eve here. And have a happy new year!

I Did It!

Whew! November is over already and I actually managed to accomplish my NaBloPoMo goal. Life has indeed been crazy this month, but I'm glad I took the challenge--it's been fun to breathe some new life into my blog. And hopefully (though I'm afraid I say this every year) the momentum will continue. I have plenty of other ideas for posts and my drafts folder is still overflowing!

Thanks for reading--through the flurry of posting every November and through the lean times when I barely manage to put up a gratitude post every week. I am honored that you give me your time and consider what I have to say!

Sigh.

I may have bitten off more than I could chew in signing up for NaBloPoMo.

I am *longing* to write these days. I feel like I have a lot to say. But as I settle into the new normal around here, it feels like a major accomplishment just to keep my children clean and fed. As I posted on Facebook yesterday, I am back in that season of life when "shower" gets written on the to-do list--and today, unlike yesterday, it did *not* get triumphantly crossed off.

I've been working on a post about how Jude got his name, but it's turning into a multi-part series. I haven't written out his birth story yet. And I've got plenty more ideas for posts. It's not a matter of having writer's block, for once; it's a matter of struggling to carve out the time to sit and think and type.

So for tonight, I'll have to leave you with another non-post like last Friday. It's 8:42, and Jude has a full belly. He hasn't been giving me long stretches at night this week, which means I need to go to bed now so I don't feel like I got hit by a truck when he wakes up again around midnight.

Here's hoping for some time to write tomorrow...

NaBloPoMo Wrap-Up December Update

Where exactly did November go, anyway? It's beyond cliche to say that time flies these last two months of every year...but seriously, I was just gathering ideas for NaBloPoMo, and then I turned around and it was over and I hadn't even gotten around to 75% of them. OY.

The Christmas season feels especially zooey because of how our vacation time is falling this year. We have just three weeks between our Thanksgiving trip home and Steve's Christmas break from work--so once you cram shopping, Christmas parties, Christmas programs, and a wedding in there (never mind the usual playdates and whatnot)...well, let's just say I am not quite sure how NOT to neglect this blog. I'll do my best...and if nothing else, I'll start chipping away at that list of ideas in January.