Thinking Biblically About Frustration (+ Great News from CCEF)

I am absolutely delighted to share with you that the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation has finally re-launched the Journal of Biblical Counseling. YES!

You can read all the articles for free online, but a Kindle download of the complete journal is only $3.99. I downloaded a sample, and within the first two or three screens found myself trying to highlight things (which is disabled on a sample). Obviously I just needed to buy it (I read so much more carefully and thoughtfully in real books, whether print or Kindle, than online). David Powlison's introductory editorial alone is worth the four bucks! This stuff isn't just for counselors--it's incredibly insightful for any Christian who desires to grow in her understanding of the human heart and the God who created and redeems us.

One of the articles is a personal application piece called "Stomping Among Lilies" by Chris Carter. The article is about husband-wife interactions, but I found it especially convicting and applicable when I read it in light of my relationship with my children. I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with anger or frustration toward their spouse or kids (which means, pretty much all of us who are married or parents, right?!). Here's a taste, with edits in brackets reflecting how I was thinking through it as a mother.

“I find a frustration within my heart at times…that strangles the grace from simple, unguarded moments [with my children]. It is impatient. It expects its own way. It doesn’t have time for the gospel. This frustration is especially destructive within the vulnerability and intimacy of [the parent-child relationship].

“…frustration deconstructs togetherness. Even when it is subtle on the outside, it is always destructive on the inside. Frustration is the experience of interpreting something or someone as an obstacle to one’s own desire, and wanting that obstacle removed or changed. When I feel this way toward my [son], I necessarily turn myself against [him] because [he] has become that obstacle. …Because I have turned on [him] in my heart, my [son] finds [him]self momentarily abandoned by [his parent, mentor, protector, coach, nurturer, teacher] and support.

“All of a sudden I dismiss [his] feelings because [he] seems [oblivious] to mine. All of a sudden I complain because I am unhappy that [he] needs me in an ‘untimely’ moment. All of a sudden I criticize [and yell at] [him] because [he] does not…meet my…expectations. Frustration within [parenting] always produces [disconnection and distance, a breach of trust] because, rather than fill the space between [parent and child] with constructive, tender, grace-oriented communication, it fills the space with destructive, divisive, self-oriented dissatisfaction.”

Ouch. Click over to the Journal to read the rest of the author's journey in working through frustration and turning, slowly but surely, toward Christ. And check out or download the other articles while you're there--I promise it will be WELL worth your time!

Anger: Being the Wrong Kind of Image-Bearer

In the comments section for Monday's post about anger, Jenny asked a great question that I hope to come back to soon. Meanwhile, I found in my drafts folder and wanted to share this excerpt from a great article I read on Boundless quite a while back:

From emotional outbursts to weather complaints, anger arises from a failure to believe the truth, and belief that God owes me something: better weather or better marital intimacy or whatever.

Belief in this false promise is unbelief in God's promises.

Powlison points out that we express our anger towards God in three main ways. First, anger either ignores or rejects the sovereign freedom of God. Second, it's a refusal to believe God's promise to work for our good in all things, even drastic changes in climate. Third, it enthrones our will for comfort over God's will, effectively assuming personal supremacy over God. It puts God in the dock.

We've seen these three elements from my personal struggles with anger, noting their Satanic, not Christlike character. At the root of anger is an enthronement of our will, an idolatry of our way, and a refusal to exercise a contented trust in God's providence.

...At the cross our good and God's glory converge. Angry sinners are forgiven and God's righteous anger is preserved. At the cross we witness Jesus bearing the brunt of God's righteous anger for our unrighteous anger, cutting remarks and constant complaining.

--Jonathan Dodson, "Anger: The Image of Satan"

Anger Is Not Neutral

Twice before when I've written on this blog about struggling with anger, I've been called out in the comments section. People are generally very, very resistant to the suggestion that anger is sinful. I responded in detail the first time, but have yet to come back to it after another anonymous (why are they always anonymous?) comment way, way back. I've been meaning to revisit the issue, and, well...more than a year later, I'm pulling it out of my drafts folder and finally getting around to it.


Anytime you start linking "anger" and "sin," Christians generally pull out the trump card of Ephesians 4:26 - "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger..." The argument is fairly simple: This verse separates anger and sin; therefore, it is possible to be angry and not be sinning; therefore, anger (in and of itself) is not a sin.

Following this line of reasoning, I used to believe that anger itself was not sinful, that rather, it was what you *did* with the anger that mattered. I no longer believe it's that simple. I've come to see how the emotion itself, not just the actions that accompany it, carries potential for sin and needs closer examination.

Anger is a response to a perceived wrong. We get angry when something is not as we think it should be. And so anger is not automatically valid, a neutral emotion to be expressed, "vented," voiced and affirmed. Whether anger is right or wrong depends first on whether our perception of reality is right or wrong.

Dr. David Powlison writes:

"The arousal of anger is either good or bad. It may arise for good reasons: e.g., someone I trusted betrayed trust, or someone threatens to harm a child. It may arise for bad reasons: e.g., I'm stuck in a traffic jam, or someone at work had the audacity to disagree with my brilliant ideas and plans.
The motives for anger are either good or bad. Desires, beliefs, expectations, values, intentions may be good. Jesus' anger expresses faith working through love; our anger can move in his direction. Or our motives may be bad: wrong beliefs, idolatrous desires, self-pity/self-righteousness.
And, of course...the expression of anger is always either good or bad (or, again, that complication in things human, mixed). For example, anger expresses love when it energizes you to protect the helpless by opposing victimizers. And anger expresses hate when you get into petty arguments or when you bully others.

So the potential for sin isn’t simply in how anger is expressed. There’s also sin potential in my anger itself—is it justified, or is it rooted in attitudes and expectations that exalt me and ignore the true and living God? I’d argue that most of the time, at least in my life, it’s the latter. My anger may be “understandable” to fellow sinners—but it’s not righteous in God’s sight.

That doesn't mean I think anger should be stuffed and ignored. I think it should be acknowledged (just check out the Psalms), worked through, and repented of if necessary. But I don't think it should be unchallenged.

Dr. Powlison elaborates in chapter 13 of his book Seeing with New Eyes: Counseling Through the Lens of Scripture:

“Anger, like all emotions, is something you do as a whole person. Anger involves active things such as thoughts, attitudes, expectations, words, and deeds, as well as the more passively sensed ‘feeling’ of being angry. …Anger is a common human response to a perceived wrong. It is even part of being made in the image of a moral God. Anger can be either right or wrong. …Biblically, anger may be either justified or unjustified, either wrongly or rightly expressed. It is much more than an emotion. Human anger is potentially righteous but is usually laced with sin.

“The need for an objective, moral evaluation is obscured when anger is viewed simply as a feeling. If anger is a feeling that happens to me, then it is intrinsically legitimate. ‘Just as when I cut my finger I feel hurt, so when you offend me I feel angry. I need only to get in touch with my anger and then express it in socially appropriate ways.’ But when anger is evaluated by God (e.g., James 1:19-20; 3:2-4:12) that simple equation breaks down. I acknowledge anger in order to examine it in God’s light. In all likelihood I will learn about my self-righteousness, my god playing, my demands. I will be brought to my need for God’s grace in Jesus Christ” (p. 212-213).

I hope that helps to clarify my thinking on the issue of anger. In summary: Anger isn't always wrong, but it often reveals the idolatrous desires lurking in the human heart. And if my anger is prompted and driven by idolatrous demands, then it's sinful, regardless of whether I outwardly treat people wrongly in my anger or not.

Feel free to ask more questions if I haven't been clear here.

Angry Baby

I never knew I was an angry person until I became a mother.

I could have easily named a whole lot of ongoing sin struggles, but anger? Wouldn't have made the list. In fact, I think I've often thought of anger as a "male" sin--this image of a powerful man with a dangerous temper who stomps around and yells a lot. Well, I don't do any stomping, and I don't often yell out loud, but my ugly heart does a lot of yelling and stomping inside.

It seems I want nothing more than to be served and catered to, to "have it my way," and when people around me--family, friends or strangers--don't cooperate to make my life smooth, comfortable and convenient, my inner three-year-old throws a silent (but no less obnoxious) temper tantrum. Somehow I don't think this is what God meant when He said I must become like a little child.

No, in this way I don't have to become like a little child...rather, Elijah reveals to me that I already am like a little child. Similar to the way marriage is a mirror, motherhood is also providing a reflection of my heart--and it's not flattering me by telling me I'm the fairest of them all. To my dismay, I see that I am no different than the screaming nine-month-old the backseat, except maybe less ear-piercing.

"No, parents, you are not paranoid. Babies really have been sent into your life to confuse all your plans, to frustrate your best intentions, to outwit you at every turn and to drive you to your knees. In short: to reduce you to tears, just like themselves. For you are exactly the same, you two. One's big, one's little, but there the difference ends, and God would have you know this. He wants you to know that you too are but a mewling little rosebud, kicking in your blankets and screaming bloody murder whenever the big Butler-in-the-Sky doesn't bring your food and drink on a silver platter at exactly the right time."
--Mike Mason, The Mystery of Children: What Our Kids Teach Us About Childlike Faith