Fight for Your Marriage: Give Thanks

Back in July, when I blogged about Steve in my annual anniversary post, I raved about the book Sacred Influence and how I believe it changed our marriage. I had far too many good quotes from the book to use in that post, so I've been meaning to do a follow-up ever since. Four months later, here we are :)

I have an old journal in which I copied pages and pages of quotes from Sacred Influence, but I just wanted to bring out a few more highlights that spoke to me (if you missed the original post, start there!):

Gary Thomas quoted a woman who would later become a favorite author of mine, Elyse Fitzpatrick, who confessed:

“I scarcely ever extended to [my husband] the grace I enjoyed with the Lord. Instead, I was frequently more like the man in Jesus’ parable, who, after he was forgiven a great debt, went out and beat his fellow slave because he owed him some paltry sum.”

I am tempted to overlook this parable as irrelevant when Steve (or others) has not actually sinned against me. But it occurred to me that this parable is about so much more than just simple “forgiveness.”  It’s about GRACE, about my disposition toward my husband. God is so patient with me—yet I am impatient with Steve. God accepts me as I am and approves of me because of Christ’s blood—yet I show Steve disapproval rather than accepting him because he is my husband, a gift from God. On and on it goes. Thomas then brought out two more Scriptures that God really used to pierce my heart:

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7 NIV).

Christ didn’t demand that I change before I came to Him. He didn’t put stipulations on His love. He claimed me as His own and loved me while I was still His enemy, while I was still dead in sin. And I respond by putting stipulations on my love for my husband? I demand that he act a certain way to earn my respect and acceptance? Forbid it, Lord.

“But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13).

Encouraging Steve *daily*—not once in a while—helps keep me from being hardened. When I do not focus on the good, Satan can more easily deceive me—he can blind me to Steve’s strengths, make me callous to grace, coax my critical spirit into overdrive. AND lack of encouragement can harden Steve—make him vulnerable to believing Satan’s lies that he isn’t good enough, that he can’t do it, that he might as well not try.

One of the most powerful pieces of advice I took away from the book was to shift my focus from criticism and complaint to gratitude and appreciation. Thomas exhorted:

“Practice praying positive prayers for your husband. Find the five or six things he does really well—or even just one or two!—and try to tire God out by thanking him for giving you a husband with these qualities.”

Isn’t it sad that I could be willing to try and “tire God out” with pleas about my husband’s weaknesses, but I do not bother to repeat again and again my thankfulness for his strengths? Thomas continued: 

“Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. They very effectively groom our affections.”

I can absolutely testify that this is the case. I believe this was a turning point in my life, when I began to understand this and made the choice to be thankful in my marriage. Yet Thomas warned me that it would be a battle, not automatic or easy:

“As soon as you begin offering prayers of thankfulness for your husband, be sure of this: the enemy of your soul and the would-be destroyer of your marriage will remind you of where your husband falls short. …You need to respond to this temptation with a healthy spiritual exercise: as soon as you recall  your husband’s weaknesses—the very second those poor qualities come to mind—start asking God to help you with specific weaknesses of your own. That’s right—as backward as it may sound, respond to temptations to judge your husband by praying for God to change you. Go into prayer armed with two lists: your husband’s strengths and your weaknesses.”

Yes. And so it was that God began weaving yet another strand of the ongoing lesson about gratitude. Even in my relationship with Steve, giving thanks would be critical. It's a way to reorient myself to God and trust Him, a way to fight for my marriage, a way to bless and honor my husband. Six years later, I am exponentially more thankful: for my amazing husband, and for the ways God has used thankfulness to "form [my] soul" and "groom [my] affections."


Related:
Seven Year Itch

Seven-Year Itch

I've heard people talk about the seven-year itch for as long as I can remember. Well, we've been married seven years, and I have an itch.

It's the itch to roll over and snuggle with my husband when I wake up in the middle of the night and we aren't touching.
...the itch to flirt with him via text message in the middle of the day, and imagine him smiling at work.
...the itch to see him recognized and appreciated in his job, to see his skills develop and his talents well-used.
...the itch to talk to him about what I read, what I hear, what's on my mind.
...the itch to get his perspective, to learn from his wisdom.
...the itch to embarrass him by writing blog posts like this, because I just can't keep to myself how I love this man of mine.

 

Our marriage isn't perfect. Steve is a sinner, and I'm a worse one. But six years ago, I learned to see.

I was at a crossroads as a new wife. We had been married less than a year, and while I was still over the moon about my husband, I was also not completely satisfied. I longed for certain things to be different. And I didn't know what to do with that longing.

It was at that point that the book Sacred Influence came into my life. Having read Gary Thomas's brilliant and beautiful book Sacred Marriage, I was eager to pick up this follow-up as soon as it was published. (A book for wives, written from a husband's perspective? Seemed like a no-brainer!) And I'm convinced that the book changed my marriage. Thomas wrote:

"How is God using the reality of living with an imperfect man to teach you how to grow in patience and understanding? ...How is he using your marriage to teach you how to love? When you find yourself in...a basically good marriage with one particular issue that grates on you, you can be sure that God wants to mature you as you face this problem with strength, courage, dignity, and biblical wisdom."

I thought I loved Steve when I said "I do" in 2005. But over the course of that first year, I began to realize that God wanted to use marriage to teach me, among other things, how little I truly understood love and how much more deeply I could love. He wanted to grow my love for Steve so that I could be better equipped to love others.

Thomas continued:

"Only one perfect man ever walked this earth, and he never married. Since every wife is married to an imperfect man, every wife will have legitimate disappointments in her marriage. Are you going to define your husband by these disappointments, or will you pray that God will open your eyes to the common blessings that your husband provides and to which you often become blinded?"

That resonated with me deeply--it reaffirmed a theme that God was beginning to play in my heart six years ago and has continued to reinforce ever since. Would I focus on what was lacking? Would I feed the critical spirit that comes so naturally to me? Or would I "make the daily spiritual choice of focusing on qualities for which [I] feel thankful"? Thomas reminded me: "no man is ever 'on' all the time. ...The spiritual challenge comes from the fact that you are likely more apt to define your husband by his bad days than you are to accept the good days as the norm. Hold on to the good; begin to define him by the good; thank him (and God) for the good--and thereby reinforce the good."

In other words, take Scripture seriously:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Philippians 4:8)

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor" (Romans 12:9-10).

"Love is patient and kind...it is not irritable or resentful; it...rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

At that crossroads in June 2006, by the grace of God, I made a decision to see. I chose to give thanks for who Steve is and what he does--which truly gives me plenty of material on which to meditate! I shifted my focus to gratitude instead of complaint, to affirming the good instead of lamenting what was lacking. And I think God used that choice to change me. I shudder to think of the nagging, disapproving, proud and critical wife I so easily could have become, apart from His grace.

Instead, when my mind does go to disappointment or dissatisfaction, thoughts of what he hasn't done or what I wish were different, I choose to look at who I'm not and all the ways I have failed. Have I been the wife Steve truly needs? Have I prayed for him faithfully in these areas where he is weak? Have I loved him in the ways I know he wants to be loved? That stops the complaints pretty quickly, when I am convicted about my prayerlessness and reminded of his patiently bearing with me in all my faults and flaws.

I'm so thankful for Gary Thomas's wise words. And I'm beyond thankful for the incredible husband God has given me, and the fact that God has given me eyes to see and appreciate this gift. I know Steve's flaws better today than I did seven years ago. But I also know his strengths better, and I have seen God's grace at work in him in more ways than I can begin to recount. When I truly see this man of mine, I truly love who he is and who he is becoming. I love that I have been chosen for the privilege of walking by his side, hand in hand for the journey. I pray that God will satisfy my itch to grow old with this amazing man.

A Love/Memory Challenge

Through Mega Memory Month, I got to visit the blogs of several beautiful women who are striving to hide God's Word in their hearts. MMM is over now, but a blogger named Dea has issued a new challenge at her blog. If you're "addicted" to memorization after MMM (I heard someone say this on a comment somewhere--what a great addiction!), or if the idea of "mega" memorization was intimidating and you want to start smaller, here's a great way to begin.

Dea is memorizing, and challenging others to memorize, the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. I've decided to join in--I'd really like to get the whole chapter written on my heart, because these are words I desperately need to live by! During this month when the world is thinking about love and putting forth false pictures of love, passing off lust as love, I'm looking forward to learning and meditating on God's definition of love. I want to think about love as He does.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal" (1 Corinthians 13:1).

I believe that God has given me a gift with words. But no matter how eloquent my writing or how smooth my speech, it is meaningless if it isn't growing out of love for Him and for those I speak to. Our world is filled with so much clamor and noise and chaos already--I don't want to contribute to that. I long for my words to matter, to build up and edify, to magnify Him.

And so, starting this month, I'm praying that God will cause me to love others far more than I love the sound of my own voice. May my words spring from love and express love. May He teach me, and you, to love as He does!