Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Not Writing

So...you're getting a fresh post tonight because one of my all-time favorite teachers may be stopping by to read my blog (hi, Mr. Wilson!). He was my high school English teacher---helped to stir up and cultivate my love for writing--and I saw him tonight for the first time in several years. And of course he asked if I am doing any writing.

Um. Well. I blog...

He asked for the address, so I told him that if you google my name, it's the first hit. Then I came home and pulled up my blog to look at it through the eyes of a new visitor. Let's see: Picture of Elijah. Thankful Thursday. Another Elijah photo. Thankful Thursday. Quote from someone else's blog who's actually writing fresh material. Thankful Thursday...

Um. Well, my son is cute, at least.

I told Mr. Wilson I'd done some freelance writing and editing for a ministry organization (which is true). But the truth is, despite my writing degree and my history of being a prolific journaler and my professed love of words, somewhere along the way I stopped actually writing. I told myself I was editing instead (because it's easier because I'm afraid of failure because I love it). I think deep down I know that's a copout.

That's probably why when I see Mr. Wilson, or think of Dr. Mary Brown (my college writing prof, another all-time favorite), I feel a little ashamed. I wish I could show them or tell them about the latest essay or poem or article I've been working on, something that would make them proud of a former student. I'm satisfied with the choices I've made; it's a blessing and a privilege to be staying home with Elijah. But there's no reason I can't also still be writing. And I'm not. Not even on here, lately.

So I'm writing tonight, for no real reason other than to say I'm not writing...and I'm not sure why. But they say the first step is to acknowledge you have a problem.

My name is Amy Kannel, and I sometimes call myself a writer but I don't actually write. And I need to do something about that.

4 comments:

ordinarymother said...

I go through writer's block too sometimes. It is one of those disciplines that once you're out of the habit, it's hard to get back into it. but on the other hand, once you start back up, it starts to come easier.

Kelly said...

Wonderfully written... :)

Zoanna said...

Great new start! I love the humor in the ending. How about writing something really gutsy? You've got the stuff of transparency that makes you so readable, not to mention the stuff called eloquence, borne of a love of words and a gift for stringing them together.

Looking forward to the next installment.

Danielle said...

You got to start somewhere! I was in that place a few years ago. Finished college, working, married, and wondering where my words had gone. I journaled and that was about it. I'd been so prolific up until college, and I think having tons of assignments had stripped me of my creativity, quite honestly. Without assignments, I wasn't sure to begin. That's how I started blogging, thanks to Laurie (Ordinary Mother). So, in my case, blogging helped me just write regularly, if nothing else.

Another thing that helps is to take a little mini notebook with me everywhere. If I think of an idea, down it goes.