Multitude Monday, Take 184

Yesterday was our first Sunday back at church since Jude was born. It was so good to be back with our church family, to sing God's praises with the saints and hear His Word preached and fellowship with our brothers and sisters! I was left feeling especially thankful to God for...

1056. leading us to this broken but beautiful gospel-centered church
1057. their love for and support of us
1058. all the people who not only oohed and aahed over Jude, but asked how I was doing
1059. the sense I had that they really cared, and that if I'd needed to, I could have been completely real about struggling
1060. being able instead to testify to His abundant grace and mercy

1061. being able to sing worship songs with zeal, from the heart
1062. our awesome new cry room, complete with a video feed of the sermon
1063. great conversations with a friend in the cry room after the sermon
1064. the truth and beauty of His Word
1065. the privilege of having it and being able to read it

1066. Christ has regarded my helpless estate and hath shed His own blood for my soul
1067. My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more!

My Favorite Guys

Still working on Jude's newborn pictures--in the meantime, I'll share a few shots of my other guys :)

First, we're introducing Elijah to babywearing...a friend of mine who made me a ring sling also made a little pouch sling for Elijah. So now he can carry stuffed animals like we carry Baby Jude:

Then, he's been helping Daddy downstairs in the basement. When Daddy uses loud power tools, Elijah gets to wear these cool ear-protection headphones, which he gets a big kick out of:

Last weekend (and most of this last week, really) the weather here was absolutely gorgeous, so we went to the park twice. Nothing melts my heart like watching Daddy climb all over the playground equipment with Elijah:

And finally, a few nights ago, Steve was sitting on the couch holding Jude. Elijah grabbed one of his stuffed animals and climbed up next to Daddy to snuggle together:

Happy Sunday!

Surfin' Saturday ~ 11.13.10

Lots of interesting reads this week! I've spent some middle-of-the-night time reading while I attempt to get Jude back to sleep after nursing. A few discoveries:

Women Speak Out About What's Gone Wrong with the United States Birthing System
"Because so many women don't have an image of what a natural, empowered birth looks like, there is a lot of fear surrounding the act of giving birth. Accordingly, the majority of women give their inner authority over to doctors in their birth process. They trust the doctors more than themselves. The problem with this is that many women aren't aware that the majority of her doctor's medical decisions are being made today for monetary and legal reasons, and not necessarily for the good of her and her baby."

Listening to Myself – Words on the Side
My friend Christin relates a poignant story about her three-year-old...definitely saw myself in little Noelle :)

What is Success? Life in the Upside Down Kingdom - Part 2 » A Holy Experience
The second part of Ann's keynote address at the Relevant conference (I linked to part one last week!) was inspiring--it encouraged me to be completely real and honest in writing about Jude's name and birth and the postpartum period. Just one of many amazing quotes:

"The Christian needs another Christian who speaks God’s Word to him. She needs her again and again when she becomes uncertain ...This is the holy work of a blog, so don’t every feel shy or ashamed or embarrassed that you blog. Because the body of Christ needs to speak to itself and it needs to speak to the world ...I get discouraged and I become uncertain and I fall down and His word through your words is the connective tissue in the body of Christ and we need each other. Please. Keep. Writing."

A Feast Fit for the King | Christianity Today
"...we in the church have much to answer for ourselves. Here's a question, which I ask myself as well: Why have we ignored food for so long? Why are we not attending more seriously to Paul's injunction to literally "eat or drink … for the glory of God"? Beyond a quick word of thanks before meals, have we seriously considered how our eating and drinking either reveals or suppresses the glory of God? I don't believe we have. Most of us have been living in a kind of self-absorbed somnolence that may be partly rooted in our own lingering dualism that privileges the soul over the body."

You Cannot Bind Their Hearts to Christ « Beauty in Every Place
"Formula-based parenting appeals to us because it usually promises something we desperately want. But we cannot see the full picture, be it good or bad. It is certainly my prayer that God will bind the hearts of my children to Christ; and I will labor and toil to nurture and instruct them in God’s Word. But it is the Spirit of God who transforms them. It’s not earned by my parenting, their behavior, or even my prayers. Just as every other aspect of our life must be Gospel-centered, so must our parenting."

That one led me on a rabbit trail through a few other wonderful posts about parenting and discipline:
Practical Theology for Women: Discipline v. Punishment or Parenting Our Children the Way God Parents His

The Mystery of Discipline - Sally Clarkson

Practical Theology for Women: The Gospel is the Environment for Our Parenting

The Naming of Jude, Part 2

[read part 1 first]

Moments after I saw two pink lines last winter, already Leah’s words were echoing in my mind: This time I will praise the LORD.

That became my prayer, my resolve, my plea for grace. Throughout my pregnancy, I prayed that God would grant me a completely different experience this time around—that birth would be a positive, healing experience; that He would protect me from postpartum depression, enable me to delight in the new baby.

But I also asked that even if it was really hard again, even if a hundred overwhelming challenges came my way, that He would give me the grace to praise Him, to hold fast to Him, to glorify His name and show His faithfulness.

Adjusting to motherhood after Elijah's birth was incredibly difficult for me. But I was so faithless, so weak and so unwilling to fight. This time I prayed that God would enable me to fight for joy, that He would put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.

On February 9, the day I found out I was pregnant, I wrote in my journal:

I’m praying that His perfect, unfailing love will drive out all my fear. I’m praying that He’ll give me grace to trust Him, come what may. He is good, and He does good. I am securely in the palm of His hand, and He ordains only what is best. I grieve to think of my faithlessness, my unbelief, how I have dishonored Him in the past.

May it not be so this time, Lord! Make me faithful. Fill me with trust in You and use me to point people to Christ as the only source of hope.

This time, I will praise You.

[part 3]

The Naming of Jude, Part 1

Jude got his name, really, before he was even conceived.

He has Tim Keller to thank. It was in May 2009 that I read a transcript of one of Keller's sermons, called “The Girl Nobody Wanted”--a sermon about Leah (audio version available here). Most of you are familiar with the story from Genesis 29: Leah, the unwanted wife of Jacob, begins having sons. And as Keller explains:

Every time she says, "Now my husband will love me." "Now my husband will love me." "Now my husband will love me." And then it says she conceived again, and then she gave birth to a son and she said, "This time I will praise the Lord." Finally, no talk about her husband. What had happened? Through this suffering she stopped turning to her husband, she stopped looking to her children, she stopped looking to anything else and she said I'm going to praise the Lord. And at that moment she got her life back.

...If there's anybody in this building right now that feels like somebody else has ruined my life, look at Leah. Leah gets her life back. She doesn't have to be bitter. She doesn't have to hate. She doesn't have to deceive back. She says, "This time I will praise the Lord." I won't look to anything else to give me what only Jesus Christ can be for me. I will not add anything to Jesus Christ as a requirement for being happy. Do that, and you'll get your life back.

Keller's words struck me deeply that afternoon. I was still very much struggling in motherhood; in fact, only weeks before, I had written my painfully honest blog series about it. I saw myself in Leah; I saw the idolatry of my heart and the call to praise.

Perhaps motherhood was an idol for me; certainly, comfort and ease were (are) towering idols. After reading the sermon, I wrote in my journal on May 16, 2009:

Father, I am starting to realize, after reading Tim Keller's sermon “The Girl Nobody Wanted” on Genesis 29, that perhaps I need to repent of an idolatry I did not realize—the idolatry of motherhood.

How much of my misery is because I put my hope in motherhood? Have I subconsciously thought that becoming a mother would make me valuable, give my life meaning and purpose? And so in Your grace You have torn down those idols incredibly quickly, leaving me disillusioned as I discover that motherhood is nothing like I expected, that I cannot be the mother I vainly believed I would easily be. And instead of bringing me joy and being a delightful road of growing and cherishing and thriving...You have allowed motherhood to be for me a hard road of anguish and sacrifice and disappointment [and failure]—because jealously, You cannot allow me to hope in motherhood, to find joy and identity and meaning and life through being a mother. Those things come only from You.

And so I look at Leah, who [unlike me] had every reason to be absolutely miserable, who surely felt like her life had been ruined, and I see how she got her life back in spite of crushing pain and disappointment.

...I can choose to say with Leah, “This time I will praise the Lord.”

Forgive me, Father, for...adding [so many] things to Jesus Christ as a requirement for being happy. ...I want to live, Lord. Grant me the grace to praise You, to look to and hope in You alone.

Steve and I weren't yet trying to have another baby. I was definitely not ready. But I had the distinct sense that afternoon that we would have another boy—so that we could name him Judah (or rather, Jude—same meaning, but I liked the shortened version better). So that every time I saw my son, every time I called his name, I would be reminded: “This time, I will praise the Lord.”

[part 2]
[part 3]
[part 4]

Sigh.

I may have bitten off more than I could chew in signing up for NaBloPoMo.

I am *longing* to write these days. I feel like I have a lot to say. But as I settle into the new normal around here, it feels like a major accomplishment just to keep my children clean and fed. As I posted on Facebook yesterday, I am back in that season of life when "shower" gets written on the to-do list--and today, unlike yesterday, it did *not* get triumphantly crossed off.

I've been working on a post about how Jude got his name, but it's turning into a multi-part series. I haven't written out his birth story yet. And I've got plenty more ideas for posts. It's not a matter of having writer's block, for once; it's a matter of struggling to carve out the time to sit and think and type.

So for tonight, I'll have to leave you with another non-post like last Friday. It's 8:42, and Jude has a full belly. He hasn't been giving me long stretches at night this week, which means I need to go to bed now so I don't feel like I got hit by a truck when he wakes up again around midnight.

Here's hoping for some time to write tomorrow...

The Simple Woman's Daybook ~ 11.9.10

While I continue to work on more substantial posts...the Simple Woman's Daybook:

Outside my window...
dark. Winter is depressing. I don't like how it gets dark so early--especially early here since we're on the very eastern edge of the time zone. At least the weather was gorgeous today! But, it's also time for the annual invasion of box elder bugs. They cover the back of our house, and come in the back door at every opportunity. Harmless, and generally not horrifying to me as far as bugs go--but very annoying.

I am thinking...
about the irony of how when I have lots of time, I have nothing to say, and now that I have lots to write about, it's hard to squeeze in the time.

I am thankful for...
my amazing, amazing husband. Watching Steve as a dad makes me fall in love all over again. And the way he cares for me...this man out-serves just about anyone I know, gladly and without complaint. I'm also endlessly thankful for the level of postpartum help I get, both from our families and from him. He has a few extra vacation days left this year, so he's taking half days here and there to help ease the transition. It was so nice to have him home at noon today and get a wonderful, uninterrupted nap!

From the kitchen...
we're getting meals from women at our church this week and next--what a blessing! We're still eating off the giant pan of chicken pot pie we received yesterday (along with the most evil-looking chocolate peanut butter pie). I did manage to get some raw applesauce made tonight and some apples sliced for dehydrating--I hit up a good sale on organic Galas over the weekend.

I am wearing...
navy sweatpants and a turquoise shirt. Klassy.

I am creating...
milk. A lot of it. Also working on Jude's newborn shoot--I need to attempt to process the pictures I took last Friday, but am procrastinating because I don't really know what I'm doing.

I am going...
to write out Jude's birth story soon.

I am reading...
on my new Kindle! Steve got me a "Birth Day" present--and it's great for reading while I nurse :) My discretionary funds are running low at the moment, but thankfully there are hundreds of public domain books available free for Kindle. Right now I'm about a quarter of the way through the only Charles Dickens book I've ever read (other than excerpts from Great Expectations for freshman English in HS): Bleak House. I'm also enjoying Charles Spurgeon's devotional Beside Still Waters.

I am hoping...
that nursing will stop hurting soon. Right now it makes me want to shoot myself.

I am hearing...
the sounds of Steve's power tools. What's notable is not what I'm creating, but what he's creating. The other day he made this really intricate elephant-shaped jigsaw puzzle for Elijah; just now he came upstairs with a bear he cut out. There is no end to that man's talents!

Around the house...
Elijah is full of energy and dancing all around. Jude is sleeping in his swing and will be waking up soon to eat (ugh). The sink is full of the dishes I should be doing right now instead of blogging :) And I actually managed to do a load of laundry today--so I've got a basket of baby stuff waiting to be folded.

One of my favorite things...
hugging and cuddling with Steve without a giant pregnant belly in the way. We both have a fresh appreciation for being able to get close again!

A few plans for the rest of the week...
I'm not really making "plans" these days. Keeping it low-key. I do need to take the boys to the library tomorrow, as Elijah's books are due, and that will be a good little outing. I'd like to get together with my friend Lydia, but we're still trying to work that out. Otherwise, just settling in to our new normal here at home.

A picture thought I am sharing...
a sneak peek from Jude's newborn shoot:

Multitude Monday, Take 183

I'm over halfway through my first day at home alone with the boys, and so far, so good. God is faithful...the manna is on the ground for me to gather abundantly and never run out. Today I am thanking Him for...

1046. providing quiet time first thing this morning for me to seek His face and quiet my soul
1047. Steve getting Elijah's breakfast all out and ready before he left for work/before Elijah got up
1048. Elijah's patience (am I actually writing that?!)
1049. a much-awaited phone call from my best friend, timed perfectly: I had just finished nursing Jude and had just put in Mary Poppins for Elijah to finish watching
1050. my new baby carrier, just arrived in the mail today

1051. a phone call from Steve, to check in and see how we're doing
1052. Elijah's desire to be a helper
1053. gobs of food that a friend from church brought for us
1054. keeping me keenly aware of my dependence on Him, my weakness, my desperate need
1055. His power and strength, made perfect in my weakness

Little Brudder

People have asked how Elijah is adjusting to the newest member of our family. So far he's doing well. He's perhaps been a little more...emotionally fragile?...over the last couple of weeks. But on the whole, he's been remarkably accepting of the crying (he picked up on that part of his book quite well, and for the first several days would say "It's OK, Jude!" in a concerned voice every time Jude made the slightest peep :) He generally leaves Jude alone but is doing great with gentle touches--he loves to get "tiny toes!" and will give Jude the lightest little kiss on the head when prompted. We haven't seen any jealousy so far; in fact, I'm surprised by how patient he has been when he frequently gets the response, "As soon as Jude is done nursing, then we can..."

We'll see what life is like on Monday, with the doting grandmothers gone and just Mama to care for both boys...but at this point I am thankful for my laidback not-so-little man and his acceptance of his "little brudder."

And just for fun, here's another shot of Jude. Grandma was watching him while I napped, and every time she took her hand off him, he startled and stirred. So she put her Bible on his belly so she could shift positions :) He really does remind me more and more of Elijah as a baby:

Surfin' Saturday ~ 11.6.10

In past years of NaBloPoMo, I've featured links to other interesting things on Saturdays, and photos on Sundays. This gives me a break from having to come up with so much original content, and allows me to step away from the computer more on the weekends. So without further ado, the first installment of "Surfin' Saturday"...

Homemade Velveeta
Between our moms being here, our church providing some meals, and having worked my tail off to fill our chest freezer with meals, I am enjoying a nice break from having to cook. But when I get back into my kitchen groove, I want to try this. The picture looks revolting--but let's face it, store-bought Velveeta is revolting. I have to admit that there are a couple of favorite recipes around here that call for it...so I cringe and throw it in, since I'm not a skilled/experienced enough cook to know how to properly substitute real cheese. I've tried, without success. So I'm intrigued by the idea of homemade Velveeta!

Homepreschool and Beyond
Steve and I haven't made any decisions about school--it's still three years off for us, so we have no idea at this point whether we'll homeschool or send Elijah somewhere. But I know there are plenty of things I could be doing (and am not doing) to help Elijah grow and learn before he's ready for school. I haven't looked at this site yet, but a friend of mine linked to it a couple of days ago and I'm hoping to check it out soon.

Blogging in the Upside-Down Kingdom
Ann Voskamp posted part one of the text of her keynote speech from the Relevant blogging conference (as well as an audio link)--as usual, she's eloquent and inspiring. I'm printing the "prayer for writers" to put in my journal!

Introduction: Reading the Bible "Christianly"
A friend of ours is teaching a new series for Sunday school at our church. I downloaded the first lesson and listened during middle-of-the-night feedings this week, and I'm excited about where it's going to go. He's planning to teach, both in theory and in practice, how to see Christ everywhere in the Bible--how to read all of Scripture in light of the gospel, rather than as disconnected morality stories or as sound-bite verses.

Ack!

Day 5 and I almost lost the challenge already. OY. I think NaBloPoMo is going to be a little more difficult this year than I anticipated...

As the mother of a newborn, I highly, highly value my sleep--so this brief little check-in is the best I can do today. There's no way I'm staying up to write a thoughtful blog post; I'm going to bed!

Back tomorrow with some links, and planning to put up pictures every Sunday this month :)

Grace is Like Manna

Yesterday, I survived my first major outing with both my boys (side note: can I just say, it's fun to say "my boys" :) . I didn't even have to do it by myself--my sweet mother-in-law is here for the week, so she helped me take them to the pediatrician for Jude's first well-baby visit, then treated me to Panera (Fuji apple chicken salad--yum!) for lunch.

I already feel completely overwhelmed at the idea of taking both of them anywhere by myself--especially anywhere we have to arrive at a specific time.

I've been blessed after the birth of both boys to have amazing postpartum help. My mom comes down immediately and stays for a week, then Steve's mom comes and stays for a week. I'm able to really rest and let my body recover while they cook, clean, take care of laundry, and help care for the kids. I don't take this for granted; I realize not everyone has this kind of help, and I'm beyond thankful.

My mother-in-law flies home on Saturday, and it's easy to feel scared of what life will look like after that. How will I do when I don't get to sleep an extra couple of hours with the baby while someone else gets up with Elijah and gets him breakfast? How will I handle the relentless demands of two children's needs? (And how on earth are my friends who have kids the same age as mine PLUS another in between managing at all?!)

When these thoughts creep up, I have to return to one of the most profound and lasting lessons I gleaned this summer from Ed Welch's books. To prepare for childbirth, I read Running Scared: Fear, Worry and the God of Rest and the related study guide, When I Am Afraid. In them, Welch spends a lot of time on (and keeps coming back to) the story of the Israelites receiving manna in the wilderness, as the foundational story for why we can trust God and not worry about the future. He says:

...the manna he sends for them to eat does more than just feed them. It also teaches them. First, it teaches them to act on the grace God gives today by collecting the manna and enjoying it. Second, it teaches them to trust him for tomorrow. Every night they go to bed with empty cupboards. Every morning they wake up wondering whether the manna will be on the ground. Every morning it is.

...Anxiety and worry are always off in the future. They are scouts on the frontier. They run ahead and spy on the enemy. When they return they tell tales of bloodthirsty giants, an enemy army that extends to the horizon, insurmountable odds, and sure defeat. These spies, you see, have been commissioned to always envision the worst-case scenario.

Your task is to denounce those alarmist spies and instead adopt the story of manna because it is, indeed, your story. Last night manna wasn't on the ground. You wake up, and there it is. It is everything you need for today.

Can you understand why you worry when you think about tomorrow? You worry because you don't have what you need yet. If you imagine tomorrow's misery without tomorrow's manna, of course you are going to worry. Tomorrow's manna isn't on the ground yet. You have manna for today only. In his great wisdom, God doesn't give you tomorrow's manna today. Otherwise you would forget him and trust in yourself.

There's no such thing as imaginary grace! Future circumstances feel overwhelming, even impossible, because you don't yet have the grace to handle them. When God brings them, He'll also bring the grace you need to face them.

This is the truth I preach to myself several times a day. When I am tempted to run ahead and fret about what tomorrow will look like, I try to remember to look back instead. God has lavished His grace on me over the last few weeks (not to mention the whole of my life!). I can trust Him to provide the grace I will need tomorrow (or even for the next feeding in a few hours). But He will provide that grace tomorrow, and not a moment before. Today my work is to trust Him, to focus on what is before me and leave the next thing in His loving, merciful hands.

On Vulnerability and Robbery

I've had a couple of experiences with friends recently, combined with events in my own life, that have had me thinking about the subject of vulnerability and why we so often resist it.

It started with a sweet friend who posted very honestly on her blog that she was having a hard time and needed prayer. Because she shared that she was struggling, I was able to send her a quick email with some encouragement from the Word that had recently ministered to me--something I never would have thought to do if I hadn't been told that she needed it. And the blessing wasn't just hers. When she responded and told me how much my email had meant to her, *I* felt so blessed to have been an instrument of God's grace in her life.

A few days later, I got an email from another friend who opened up about some of her current struggles. I had NO idea she was dealing with some of the difficult things she mentioned! And it got me thinking: How often do we rob ourselves of the blessing of encouragement, and rob others of the blessing of reaching out, by keeping our struggles to ourselves?

This is a theme our pastor has been emphasizing for quite some time. You are NOT ALONE--yet you are so tempted to isolate yourself and believe the lie that you are the only one who struggles. It can be so hard to admit failure, to confess weak faith, to ask for help and prayer. But isn't it typically so fruitful when we do gather up the courage to be raw and honest and real?

In the weeks leading up to Jude's birth, I shared some very honest prayer requests about my fears and hopes. Because I reached out, I received so much grace in the form of dear friends praying for me and encouraging me. And now those friends can rejoice all the more with me when I share how God has answered their prayers and showered me with His mercies!

The other day, I was talking with a friend about some of this, and she related it to a verse I hadn't thought about: "God...gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). My friend said that I was experiencing the truth of this promise--that as I had humbly shared my fears and struggles, I had received much grace.

I guess that is often what prevents us from being vulnerable--pride, the fear of what others will think of us. It's hard to trust others with the deepest parts of ourselves. But these recent experiences have reminded me that when we refuse to share our hearts, we're robbing ourselves of the abundant grace God is waiting to pour out on us...and we're robbing those around us of the opportunity to be vessels of that grace.

NaBloPoMo 2010!

I had a baby less than two weeks ago and I'm actually thinking of participating in NaBloPoMo. Am I crazy?

Maybe...but I'm going to give it a shot. I've done it every year since 2006, and I need to redeem last year's failure. Also, I want to win a prize.

My drafts folder is filled with half-baked post ideas, and I need some motivation to write. Plus I figure, with a new baby, I should have plenty of cute pictures to post if nothing else :)

So here's to NaBloPoMo and a more lively blog over the next 30 days!

Multitude Monday, Take 182

My visual homemaking journal sits on the table next to the couch these days, instead of on the end of the kitchen counter--a sign of my relegating kitchen occupancy to my mom and mother-in-law, my no longer making meals or piles of clean laundry or much of anything except milk. If there's one thing I can do, it's make milk...OY.

The gratitude lists are long these days; while I lie on the couch resting, I have plenty of time to pick up colored Sharpie pen and fill blank pages with blessings--too many to recount them all here.

As I settle into a new season of motherhood, and reflect on the first months of Elijah's life, I am continuing to experience much grace. I know that the only way to thrive in these days is by crying out for help, by running to the throne of grace where I find mercy and grace in my time of need. I know that I must "suit up" and preach the gospel to myself rather than succumbing to fears and the flesh and selfish thoughts. And in seeking to do these things, I find myself especially thankful for two means of grace that help me pray and preach:

1044. the aforementioned journal, where blank white spaces challenge me to think of more gifts, offer more gratitude

1045. our iPod, which broadcasts songs and podcasts to fill my mind with truth and peace