Steve and Amy: A Love Story (Part 9)

[continued from part eight // start here]

Fall of my junior year of college was the worst semester of my life up to that point. Emotionally, spiritually, academically, I was a wreck. Ever since Tom had started pursuing me, I had been baffled at my own freaked-out reaction to the very scenario I thought I had wanted. I had never experienced such turmoil or confusion.

Here was Tom: this amazing, godly guy who was pursuing me, who obviously cared about me. And I was considering turning him down? For what: this other amazing, godly guy...who had no feelings for me and probably never would? I mean, who DOES that? Was I CRAZY?

Thoroughly overwhelmed, I asked Tom for some time to think. I tried to regroup and focus on God (a promising Bible study called Falling in Love with Jesus proved unfortunately cheesy and unhelpful). I think on some level I had this ridiculous idea that I had to have my life all together, had to reach a certain level of spiritual maturity and single-minded devotion to God, and once I had arrived, then God would bring Mr. Right onto the scene. What I had yet to learn was that I would never "arrive," and that as I sought to know Christ, He would in His generosity and kindness use Mr. Right to grow and shape me into the woman He designed me to be.

Meanwhile, one of my friends (I'm sure others suggested this as well, but I remember one in particular) urged me to tell Steve how I felt. She argued that I needed closure--I had to come clean with him, and find out once and for all whether he could ever care for me or whether I should finally and forever move on. Yet I instinctively knew that I could never do that. If anything was ever going to happen between me and Steve, it had to be on his terms. I couldn't do the chasing, that I knew for sure.

As the end of the semester approached, my answer to Tom was long overdue. I concluded with tremendous sadness and fear that I could not close the door on Steve. I wasn't over him like I thought I was--and among other things, I thought it wouldn't be fair to Tom for me to date him when I still had feelings for someone else.

He was hurt, of course, and baffled--I'd given him every signal that I was interested, and now I was going to walk away, just like that? The conversation did not go well. And after he left my townhouse, I spent the weekend crying. I certainly didn't "have a peace" that I had made the right decision. No, I wondered if I had just made the most horrible mistake of my life. It was truly awful. I went home for Christmas break heartbroken, confused, wondering what in the world I had just done.

[to be continued...]